Maladroits Cricket Club

Winning close to a winning season

2011-09-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

Ansty vs Maladroits, 18th September, Ansty

The day dawned cloudy and with rain forecast there was scepticism in some corners as to whether the game would go ahead or not. So as we all made our way to the ground in our own sweet time, Boozer replaced the embarrassment of losing the toss, with begging that we be allowed to bat first on the wet, artificial track, because we only had 6 players. And so it was.

Nails and Adam opened up with a couple of early boundaries, before Adam was bowled by a cracking ball that angled in and straightened to take the top of off stump. That bought Matty to crease and he was swiftly off the mark.

With the opening bowlers off, the time to prosper came, as an overweight middle aged man who barely knew what the ball was, took up the attack. For his opening act, he produced a loopy, slow, straight ball that David Blunkett would have caressed through the covers. Hell, even his little dog would have got runs from it. Not wanting to commit too early, Matty stood his ground and played straight – over the top of it – leaving a gap of 18 inches for the ball to comfortably bounce under and hit his off peg. The umpires conferred, and both agreed that it was hilarious. For one, a little bit of wee came out.

That bought Coles, Matty’s late ringer and on Maladroits debut, to the crease. He was the exact opposite of his predecessor, and smashed a couple of boundaries straight away. When Nails departed for a tidy 31, Boozer joined Coles and built a partnership until Coles’ forced retirement when he reached 50. That bought Retter to the crease, fresh from a stag do in Liverpool the night before. They set about destroying the attack, with Ash’s massive 6 over long on one of the shots of the day. Not wanting to retire, he was out on 45 and Lowis joined his skipper, with the score around 200 and 9 overs remaining.

Sensing that there were still great things to come from Coles, and not wanting to deprive him the opportunity of a dream debut, Lowis protested the wide bowling tactics by walking down the pitch 3rd ball and being stumpted. Although TV replays later showed that he was given out by Boland, still reeling from his disgraceful display.

Brenner came in and smashed a quickfire 14 and when Boozer smashed what looked to be a certain 6, before being caught short of the rope at cow, Coles came back in to join Crispin. With only a few overs left, Coles had bullied his way 79* when the final over started. He then hit the first two balls down the ground for 6, and a debut hundred was on. Sadly, he could only manage a single off the next ball and when Crispin was out 7, he was left stranded on 92*. Maladroits 268 for 8 (we were still 2 short).

A bit of light drizzle and a cracking tea later, the Maladroits took the field to defend their 268 in 40 overs.

Lowis and Boland opened the bowling, with Boland having an off day all round and being hit for 3 fours in his first over. Then the mood in the field changed dramatically as the ball was played deep to Lowis on the square leg boundary. Racing around from fine leg and producing a brilliant pick up and throw, Boozer had the bails off and the danger man was on his way back to the pavilion. Lowis then took the next wicket with the score around 30 and the hosts on the back foot.

A small partnership started to form before some inspired captaincy from Boozer saw each and every one of the Maladroits take to the bowling crease. With the troops bowling and fielding well, and Crispin mixing wickets with beamers, the run rate fell and the visitors confidence grew. Sensing blood, the skipper decided it was his turn to roll the arm over, and handed the gloves to Boland. Feeling confident behind the sticks, Matty took his position as Coles stood at the other end. After a loosener, Coles was looking sharp and ready to strike.

What happened next was perhaps the best moment of the entire season.

From behind the stumps, Matty chirped “Let’s find the edge now, I’ll take the catch and be keeper of the season.” Coles ran in, produced the ball of the season and drew the edge from the impotent batsman. The clear snick was heard throughout the county, but amazingly, the ball didn’t deviate at all and went straight into Matty’s gloves. Then out again.

Crispin then chipped in with a wicket, and big Mike Brenner came on to destroy the mid-lower order and took 3 wickets. Boozer’s spinners kept the scoring down, only going for 4 off his 4 overs, but he was ready to go home so called Crispin and Lowis back into the attack to finish off the hosts.

Maladroits won by about 120 runs.

Honours board:

Batting
Coles – 92*
Retter – 45
Brewer – 37

Bowling
Brenner – 3 – 23 of 4
Lowis – 2 – 18 off 5
Crispin – 2 – 19 off 5.4

MoM - Rich Coles
Fielder – Crispin
DoD – Matt Boland
Quote of the Day – Matt Boland

Maladroits chase down their nomad rivals with 5 balls to spare

2011-08-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

v Drovers CC

Sheen Park

Sunday 14th August 2011

Maladroits won by 3 wickets

James Horton reports

On a fair mid-August Sunday, Maladroits once again inflicted a crushing victory over the Drovers, casually knocking off the required 223 with 8 balls and two wickets to spare.

The result was only ever really in doubt when Boozer strode confidently back from the toss and announced that he'd lost and that we were fielding. But we swallowed our doubts and having fended off Boozer's offers of new kit, we took the field for some relaxed catching practice. The attack began fiercely from the Park End with Ryder rumbling in to pepper the opening pair with a series of unplayable balls and Dom delivering the more of the same from the Plough End. Drovers capitalised on the extras that these deliveries had gifted them, took advantage of some lapses in concentration behind the stumps and built a troubling opening stand. It was time for a rethink.

With Dom retired to a bench at deep backward square/deep extra cover and Ryder lounging in the slips, Matty and Charlie took up the reigns and restored order. Sweepers were deployed, traps set at cow and the wickets began to fall. The openers fell in quick succession and the middle order failed to make the most of a commanding position. We agreed afterwards that this may well have been caused by the deployment of some seriously vintage equipment: not for some time has Sheen Cricket Club been graced with a pre-Hick DF, a GN Elite and the suspicion of buckle-up pads. Yearnings for a Gooch-esque white helmet and a SS 333 sadly went unsatisfied but we all enjoyed the trip down memory lane.

Perhaps it was the hint of moisture in the pitch following overnight rain, perhaps the short leg side boundary or perhaps our inability to come up with new fish-related puns, but whatever it was, the Maladroits' spinners took some fairly serious tap in the overs around the drinks interval. The field dropped as a result (Dom moved benches), Drovers piled on the runs and a challenging chase began to look likely. But heads didn't drop and some good fielding ensured that the target remained manageable: Chad's cat-like reflexes bagged him a truly remarkable one-handed caught and bowled that he made look sickeningly easy, and James H held a ball skied so high that passing jumbos were diverted. Such was the confidence at the end of the innings that Brenner called upon to put the finishing touches to an otherwise solid performance.

Tea was stunning. Home-made sandwiches with a dizzying variety of fillings, combined with crisps, sausage rolls and other snacks to whet appetites for dangerously good rocky road and brownies. The opposition shook their heads in helpless admiration and were heard remarking that the Maladroits could always be relied upon to put on a good tea.

The innings got off to a shakey start with Matty bowled going ugly early and James H walking for nicking a off cutter; the pitch had evidently livened up during the tea interval. Cool heads but contrasting styles shored things up, with Brenner yielding his club like a rioter outside Curries and Ryder carelessly stroking ball after ball to the boundary. Chad went for an unlucky duck and was replaced by an irrepressible JC, who followed a strong bowling spell with a match-winning 69 not out. When Ryder finally fell for 57 (apparently because of a low sun, Dom walking in front of the sight-screen with his tea and the keeper breaking wind), Charlie picked up the baton and added a priceless 27.

By the thirtieth over, we were confident that victory was in our grasp, especially when Matty refused to be bullied into dismissing JC at a critical point. Umpire Brenner finished his phone calls in time to see the winning runs dispatched through extra cover and the day was ours.

The Drovers took it well and over a drink in the Plough it was agreed that overall, honours were about even.

Man of the Match - JC and Ryder for match-winning all around performances

Fielder of the Day - Chad and James H for two lucky catches

Dick of the Day - Dom, for sleeping on benches (and taking advantage of drunk pikeys).

Teas - A strong 75%, which goes only some way to represent the extremely positive all-round experience.

A king pair of Locks

2011-08-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

Sunday 7th August 2011
Opposition.: Lock Senior Rural XI
When, where and what: 2 pm at Arundel Cricket Club. 30: 30 match.
Conditions: Really nice, overcast and sunny.
Team: Ryder, Brewer, Retter, Lock (Junior), JC, Lees, Bowden, Lowis, Toovey, Moore, Bolland
Ash reports.

This new fixture on the MCC sheet saw Lock Junior captain a strong MCC XI playing Lock Seniors Rural XI. With the MCC uncharacteristically loosing the toss and being put into bat. The pitch had one of the shortest boundaries seen yet this season at one end, and the main road between Chichester and Arundel (full of August summer holiday traffic) at the other – admittedly screened by some massive trees. So it promised to be an interesting innings, if we could score runs. JC turned up and before he knew what hit him he was kitted up and strolling out to open with Junior. Junior went for 1 and Lees came in and continued his solid form leaving the strip with a very respectable 40. JC retired on 50 after a solid innings. Retter came and somehow managed to hang around and scrape a nervy 19, dropped three times but the fourth was held. Bowden smashed 37 for his first outing of the year. Ryder came in and was not distracted by the harvest scenes and cows in the fields behind. True to form the rural destroyer went for it and managed to hit the largest 6 of the day - over the trees and miraculously it missed the cars and bounced back onto the pitch. Bizarre. And he carried his bat with 31. Bizarre. Other contributions were Boozer with 4, Matty with 10 and Glen with 14*. Their keeper didn’t have a great day, nearly 10% of our runs came from byes, and I was surprised and pleased to see only one batsman was bowled, the rest caught. 225 for 6.

Tea. Lock (Mother) dazzled the team with a masterclass in the art of a cricket tea. Our southern hemisphere boys hopefully learned a valuable lesson on this day in tea making, apart from the obvious that you need to actually bring the sandwiches. Sandwiches, superb and crucially enough for seconds and a plate for the changing rooms après match. Baking both savoury and sweet - perfect (we won’t mention the carrot cake packaging). I won’t go on except to give the customary score – a very healthy 90% and definitely in the running for the coveted ‘Tea of the year award’ at the annual MCC end of season feast.

I think there were some tactics at play with this tea though, an MCC XI with a food hangover took the field and barely moved, except for Dom and Brewer who skipped the carbs etc.. The first few overs were quiet and they got off to a slow start, losing 2 wickets at the hand of Ryder in his second over (ending up 35 for 2 off 6 overs). With Moore terrorising the batsmen with wides at the other end (23 for 1 off 3) it was not a strip to be batting on. Lowis was tight and straight (28 for 3 off 6 overs), Bolland his usual tricky length (14 for 0 off 2) and Nick ‘dusty the second’ Tooves shuffled superbly for 2 wickets from 5 overs for 39 runs.
The small pitch provided some comedy dives, floundering and misses as anyone that has watched a Maladroit in the field can imagine. Of note (unfortunately) was the author putting down two sitters – he would probably argue atoning for the three drops while at the crease, and Ryder managing to consistently stone drift to a seat on the boundary, much to the dismay of fellow fields who fancied the seat too. Boozer bucked the trend and pocketed three catches behind the stumps, and we managed to dismiss three batsmen for ducks. Lock, Lees and Retter contributed with the ball but neither could get a break through.
Roughly mid way through the innings we had them on the ropes at 75 for 5. All were bowling well and fielding …just about. But they had a couple of tricky characters who were pushing the run rate. What looked easy to start actually turned into a valiant chase by the oppo. And with 10 over to go they needed about 100, with a few tight overs this ballooned to 12 an over at one point. Not content with showing (Lock) Junior, Retter and Moore how to play golf on the Saturday (Lock) Senior finally came to the crease. But unfortunately for him he was not able to show us how to bat, and his son scored outscored him by 1. A plucky number 10 knocked up 25 and out, but this saw their two in form batsman return to the fray having retired earlier at 50. With a hand full of overs left and about 50 runs needed they set about savaging the MCC. Lock (Junior), Lees and Lowis did their bit with the ball, and JC was given the last over, 193 for 9 - 32 needed, with their two strike batsmen at the crease. Retter managed to make up for his drops and held onto the toughest of his catches of the day, and they were all out in the last over for 198. Top scores on their side were 60 and 54*. JC 5 for 1 off 1. A good days cricket and MCC win.

MOM: Mark Bowden

DOD: The two Locks, top organising but two Ducks!

Fielder of the day: Glen

Marlyn reels in the Oxted middle order

2011-08-25T13:06:00.000-07:00

Match report to come

MCC come out top over 3 other teams in one day

2011-07-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

v Brasted CC
Sunday 10th July
Sheen Park
Maladroits won by 6 wickets

A fairly comfortable victory in the end for the Maladroits after a workmanlike but effective performance in the field graced by a couple of moments of brilliance, backed up by a superb run chase littered with brilliant shot making

The Maladroits encountered three problems before the game that meant skipper Boozer was running round even more than usual; Firstly, the game was scheduled the day after JC’s epic wedding which meant a few of the team turned up either with sore heads or still drunk after over doing it the night before on the Rams Head Snuff– this reporter for one never wants to see Dom’s nipple again. Secondly, the Antipodean tea making crew (Glen, Matty & Tooves) managed to excel themselves by forgetting to bring the sandwiches they had so lovingly prepared the night before (did they ever make them? Topic to discuss).

Ever resilient, Boozer detailed people to pick up sandwiches from Sainsburys and the crisis was adverted. A third issue presented itself to the Maladroits even before they had taken the field, namely that our landlord’s had managed to double book the pitch. Faced with four teams all wanting a game, Boozer suggested a 20:20 tournament so that all teams played at least some cricket. This met with approval from the Maladroits as it meant less time in the field for the hungover players and a chance for the Antipodeans to hide their pony sandwiches amongst the other tea.

Muttering from some Geography teacher types from the other teams aside, a 15:15 game for both sets of teams was agreed. Maladroits took the field in the first game (cant remember who won the toss but doesn’t really matter as we always field first) and Glen opened up the bowling. A tidy first over produced a chance in the slips but alas, Lees moving like a disabled seal, flapped at the chance and it went down. Dom opened up from the other end and performed admirably considering he had contracted Gingervitis in one eye the previous evening from a girl he met in 151’s.

After 2 overs, the Geography teachers on the side lines decided it was best if they just left and found another pitch somewhere else. If ever there was a time to thank God for the English trait of not making a scene it was this as they trooped off in their sandles chuntering to each other about it “not being cricket” . The game reverted back to the original 35 overs a side and Glen and Dom continued to bowl tightly without forcing a break through. The opposition though were scoring at a moderate rate and the Maladroits had not let the game get away from them.

A change in the bowling introduced Tooves to the attack and Dusty’s doppleganger produced a testing 7 over straight spell. Tooves was unlucky not to claim a wicket for his endeavour. From the other end Paddy joined the attack and again kept it tidy, but didn’t threaten as much as he has previously in the Maladroit colours. The opposition meandered along to 72-0 but had used up 15 of their overs so had not run away with the game but the Maladroits needed wickets.

Cue Matty’s introduction to the game: smarting from losing both his keys the night before and the (unmade) sandwiches, Matty had something to prove. A disciplined spell produced all three of the first wickets to fall and put the Maladroits in the ascendancy. Two good catches from Paul and Tooves assisted him. The wickets started tumbling as the opposition innings stuttered – a great direct hit run out from Nails being the highlight of the fielding display. Paul and Ash both chipped in with wickets at the end as the Maladroits restricted the opposition to 147-6 of their allotted 35 overs.

At the interval the teams had a chance to sample the Antipodean tea. A home made Bacon & Egg pie scored highly but it was generally felt a busted job on account of the forgotten sandwiches. Ash and James opened the Maldroit innings, and after the mandatory straight clump for four, a hungover Ash was clean bowled. Nails announced himself to the attack by smacking a straight six to get off the mark. James and Nails then produced some cracking shots to eat into the opposition’s meagre target. James was particularly strong though the offside and the Maladroit score raced along, but James perished for a quick fire 43 and Paul soon followed for a solitary four. However, Nails was still at the other end playing his classy shots and a Maladroit victory was never in doubt.

Glen was stumped off the oppo best bowler for 18 and it was left for Paddy (12 not out) and Nails (56 not out) to coast home with plenty of time to spare. All in all, an effective performance from the Maladroits against an opposition who probably didn’t produced their best on the day.

Lowis 5 overs for 13
Moore 5 overs for 25
Paddy 4 overs for 16
Tooves 7 overs for 34
Bolland 7 overs, 3 for 19
Paul 4 overs, 1 for 11
Ash 3 overs, 1 for 13

Batting:
Retter bowled 5
James Horton- quick 43
Nails 56*
Paul bowled 4
Lowis stumped 18
Paddy, not out 12

MOTM: Nails (consummate performance at the crease)

FOTD: Nails (dead eye run out)

DOTD: Matty (sandwiches, or lack of)

Teas: 65% (massively, massively more than should have been awarded – helped by the causal players vote who haven’t experienced a proper tea without the sandwich debacle)

Schoolboys humbled in historic MCC victory

2011-05-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

Match Report – Maladroits CC vs Charterhouse Maniacs
Saturday 7th May
MCC won by 5 wickets
Edmund Buzz reports....

Following golf and a pub lunch 11 men arrived at the field of dreams fully prepared to be thrashed by a bunch of schoolboys again, as is the usual custom. Two things were different this year. Firstly, it wasn’t raining. Secondly, Maladroits welcomed back their founder Charles Bathurst Norman following a two year absence. This gave everyone a spring in their step and, when asked to bowl by Boggers, we entered the field of play quietly confident that this could be the year.

It didn’t start well though. Maniacs got off to a flying start off the bowling of Moore and Drought and were fairly rocketing along, helped by a bone dry track and a lightening outfield. Moore soon struck though and what followd was one of the best over’s ever bowled by anyone (including Marshall, Lillee, Hadlee, McGrath, Flintoff, Newman). He was unlucky to only snare one victim but did pick up a second wicket later on.

Captain Brewer brought on his second change bowler Bolland who bowled tightly from the tree end. Toovey soon came on at the dip end and, in his own words, bowled poorly as he wasn’t sure which strip to aim at. Following a quick start the rest of the innings was spent trying to claw back the run rate and some good bowling from Retter, Bowes and Carrington did a pretty good job of restricting the home team to 230. They got way more than they should have done though – one of their batsman nicked it so loudly that we didn’t even bother to appeal but was not given out and eventually went on to make a century. Other highlights included a highly amusing dropped catch by Toovey who literally didn’t get a hand to it, the ball crashing into his chest and bouncing off. “Sorry chaps, I wasn’t concentrating”.

A poor tea in what used to be Mrs Cole’s Crack was disappointing but Maladroits were confident that we could chase down 231 to win. BN and Retter opened up and unfortunately Retter didn’t last long. In fact, not even long enough to even try out his new bat! BN played some nice shots before falling to his usual late cut, bringing Brewer to the crease. He and Lees put together a lovely partnership, with Lees looking classy and playing as well as he has ever done for the Maladroits. Brewer went for a well constructed 43 and Bowes came with the run rate required at about 7 an over. Some buffet bowling was dispatched and Lees continued on his way (despite looking knackered and being covered in sweat) past 50 and beyond. The loss of Bowes to a full toss brought in JC, the urban destroyer, and before too long the run rate had dropped considerably and Maladroits were closing in on an impressive victory. Lees was eventually out for a superb 87 and JC bashed 41 in no time to win the game with an over or so to spare.

M.O.M – Lees for 87
Fielder of Day – Bathurst Norman, a commanding and energetic display at short extra
D.O.D. – Toovey – dropped a sitter and kept everyone waiting for 40 minutes at Clapham Junction!!
Tea – 43%

No Dusty?

2011-04-23T03:45:00.000-07:00

MCC come up just short in early season run chase

Ed Lock reporting...

Sunday 17th April 2011

GAME 1: 2011 Season

East Sheen 238 for 5 (35 overs), Maladroits 223 all out

The usual opening match against Sheen had a promising start with the sun in the sky, a newly refurbished pavilion and Boozer winning the toss with his trusty weighted coin.

Unsurprisingly, Boozer opted to field first at which point we were greeted by the best wicket that this Maladroit has seen in the last 5 years; flat and true for the batsmen yet full of bounce and turn. Unfortunately, Tricky as opening bowler, opted out of using the test grade track and instead chose to bowl either over the batsmen, straight to slip or behind him, immediately earning him both Quote and Dick of the Day.

At the other end, Glen was the yin to Tricky’s yang, bowling consistent line and length and keeping the batsmen pinned to the stumps. However, as the game progressed, even with Ash and Matty bowling well, wickets were hard to come by. And, once the oppo’s number 4 tonked 10 runs off his first two balls, Mala morale began to ebb. A few regular dismals could not contain East Sheen obtaining an honourable score of 238 for 5 off 35.

An unusually low cal lunch of coronation chicken, rice and flap jack raised the team’s spirits, except for the bearded kiwi contingent who yearned for a more diverse meat selection.

So, on a full stomach, Carrington and Lock marched into bat, admittedly rusty but confident due to the short boundary and fast outfield. Carrington quickly got into his stride tonking fours over the bowlers head and accelerating the run rate to the required 7 per over before being caught on 29. Lock fell shortly afterwards for 32 and allowed the already beading Lees to enter the fray and hit an aggressive 42. Bowes with his usual MCC grace strolled to 36 whilst the new mini Bowes looked on. By drinks, the Droits were on course, but Sheen’s soft middle order underbelly was about to be tested. Boozer looked comfortable at the crease, but unfortunately the wickets fell around him until our hopes were pinned on Scouse at no.10 with his new sledgehammer. Some creative running from Scouse worked temporarily before he was run out allowing Tricky to come in needing 15 off the final 5 balls. The anti climax was sealed with a golden duck, leaving the Droits scratching their heads for a game that should have been won.

Special thanks to Tricky for making an ordinary game thoroughly entertaining.

Match Summary

MOM	Glen – 2 for 32 off 7
Fielder of the Day	Nick (trusty debutante at long on)
DOD	Tricky – 12 ball over and smacking his ankle with a practice shot before going in and getting a golden
Quote	Tricky x 2 1. ‘I am not stone drifting, I just don’t know where I am’ 2. Tricky to Umpire: ‘How many balls do I have left?’ Umpire to Tricky: ‘4’ Tricky: ‘Aaaaaaah F*#K!!’
Teas	77%

Burnt clutches, butter fingers, wheelchairs and childrens boxes... what a tour- La Manga 2010

2010-10-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

Maladroits tour to La Manga - September 2010

Edward Bowes reports...

Squad: Brewer*, Carrington, Retter, Ryder, Drought, Roundell, Lowis, Boland, Bowes, Toovey (& Lees)

Final position: Defeated in the semi finals

After a flight cancellation debacle on the day we were due to travel, it was with immense relief that 11 Maladroits made it to London Gatwick on time and in good heart, early on Friday morning. Good fortune was already on our side as it turned out that Boozer was right at the front of one of the longest check-in queues in world queuing history just in time for the other 10 members of the team to rock up and place their bag down.

A flight, some more queuing and a drive later we arrived at La Manga Club Resort fit and raring to go, and also quite hungry. No game that afternoon meant we had three lined up back-to-back on the Saturday - a daunting prospect but well within the fitness capabilities of the Maladroits team. It was lucky we had brought a large squad…

A beer and some food followed at one of the most expensive cafes in world café history (hope that dry chicken leg was well worth the £6 Tooves??) before a night out on the lash began. Some wimped out early, in the knowledge that 3 games in a day was a big ask, but some went long. Dressed up in garish jackets and ties (Simon) and surrounded by chavvy golf tourists, the Maladroits did themselves proud by absolutely nailing the Pulp classic ‘Common People’ whilst pointing at all the revelers in the bar…. superb choice of song by Leesy, probably the high point of his tour.

10am Saturday morning. First match vs. Buckhurst CC Maladroits to field first.

Simon ‘Round as in circle e double l’ opened up from the top end and immediately dug in a sharp bouncer that took the surprised batsmen on the glove and ballooned to the slip and gully region. Bowesy leapt forward like a salmon, doing incredibly well to even get to the ball on the full. Unfortunately he put it down but it was a really fantastic effort.After that the ‘droits bowled and fielded pretty well with memorable performances coming from Tooves, who bowled tidily for his 2 for 24, and Paddy who bowled well but also took a great catch. Maladroits had been set 112 to win from 20 overs – a target that was well within reach and looked even more achievable after JC and Ash got after the bowling in the powerplay overs. JC got 37 and set up an opening match victory, with Ash (24) and Glen also playing their part with the bat.

The second match was against Combined Colleges CC and Maladroits fielded first, preferring to chase down a target. The bowling and fielding was slightly less tidy but Simon again bowled well, and threateningly, as did Matty. A few catches started to go down, setting the trend for the day and living up to the Maladroits name. A target of 146 was always going to be tough but was certainly gettable. An early wicket brought Bowesy to the crease and he managed to make up for the first game by hitting a few sixes and getting the run-rate going again. He was soon to be joined by Ryder (rural destroyer), the soon-to-be Dad, and together they gelled like Haynes and Greenidge, or Langer and Hayden. Ryder batted like a dream, nudging and nurdling his way to about 30 before powering on like a hungry farmer (which is what he is) to take him past 50 and take the Maladroits to victory. Played two, won two. You can’t do better than that. 100% record. No mistakes. Clinical and efficient.

Then we played the third match (v Sahara CC). A match characterised by the most amount of drops ever seen in one innings in the history of world cricket. It was comical at times and spectators must have thought, having seen our previous two games, that we taking the p*ss in an attempt to push their total up and give us a real challenge. However, this was genuine eponymous ineptness. It would be remiss to list the ‘dropees’ here, mainly because it would basically be just a list of the whole team. In amongst the catching, or lack of it, there was some good bowling. However we bowled 15 wides, which, at 2 runs a wide, was simply not good enough and cost us dear. A target of 192 was a lot. Ash strode to the crease for his last sober innings of the tour and proceeded to play the sort of innings that the Mongoose bat was made for. He made 50 and only actually connected with the ball 9 times, hitting seven 6’s and two 4’s! Some of the shots he played have never been seen before in world cricket – a six over extra cover off the back foot. Bowes made a few at the other end and others chipped in, in a valiant attempt to keep up with the run rate. At one stage the oppo were getting a little quiet but it couldn’t be maintained and we were soon out of it but not before a comedy over from Lees. Fearful of a seeing off a maiden over, not a good thing in 20/20 cricket, an increasingly sweaty Lees looked to hit a 6 over long-on off the last ball. Unfortunately he only succeeded in turning it into a wicket maiden!!

A good effort to chase down a big score but a defeat nonetheless. However, we had made it to the semis on Sunday morning so all was not lost.

Saturday evening saw all the players and administrators gather in the resort’s Mexican restaurant for an unexpectedly decent buffet. The Maladroits also put up a good show in the raffle, buying a lot of tickets and taking home 50% of the prizes, including 6 bottles of wine and a child’s box. Another victory for us and La Manga CC, our opponents in the semis sensed that we meant business.

The usual tour high jinx then carried on late into the night, highlights being the drinking of jaeger bombs out of the aforementioned box, Glen wiping out and effectively ruling himself out of the crucial semi-final and Ash getting more drunk than any other human in the history of drinking.

10am Sunday morning. Semi-final vs La Manga CC. Top pitch.

Maladroits sent into the field again, La Manga to bat first. Simon ‘Round as in circle e double l’ opened up from the top end again and again looked sharp. He accounted for a quick opening wicket and this brought a familiar-looking Yorkshire lad to the crease. We had played against him before, for Sporting Alfas, and Boozer dropped him on 0 before he went on to get 80. We were hoping this wouldn’t happen again but, sure enough, a thin nick from Simon presented itself as a very tough diving chance to Boozer. Like Groundhog Day, he dropped it again! Some good bowling from the spin twins Bowes and Toovey as well as tidy stuff from Matty, Paddy and Ed Ryder meant that La Manga were being well restricted. That was until the number 5 batsman came in and smacked it to all parts, making 50 odd in 15 balls! There was a not a lot the Maladroits could do about it but it meant we had been set another total over 180.

Ash and Bowesy opened the batting, with the former prepared to take on the quick Spanish international opening bowlers with no lid, half a bat and still drunk. After his innings the evening before expectation was high. This was short lived however as his swung and missed the first three balls before being castled by the fourth! Top quality Maladroits cricket – awesome one minute, dreadful the next! JC soon departed, unluckily guiding a bouncer straight down third man’s throat before Ryder and Bowes put on a bit of partnership. We were always behind the run rate but at one point there was a glimmer of hope. Ryder was bowled, playing the sort of shot that his job title would suggest, and Bowes was caught in the deep and the Maladroit effort was close to being over. Not before another comedy batting effort from Lees, who set off up the other end after one of his trademark late cuts only to be sent back. Dropping his bat and then dipping for the line like Usain Bolt didn’t save him unfortunately and he was run out by some way! Some nice batting from Simon and Boozer showed La Manga that we weren’t going to be rolled over and they both had a nice gentle end of season knock.

A defeat in the semis. Some great cricket played against a pretty high standard of opposition. Maladroits can be proud that we played, and competed, at this level. Above all that, we played in the right spirit throughout and all had a jolly good time.

Huge thanks to JC for organising the tour and to Boozer and Ash for their administration work to make it all run smoothly.

Scintillating final ball win to do the double on Sheen CC

2010-10-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

East Sheen CC vs Maladroits CC – 12^th September 2010-09-14

East Sheen

Maladroits won by 2 runs

JC Carrington reports…

The last game of the season on UK soil saw a somewhat depleted team of 9 men turn up to an unusually sunny East Sheen Common. Typically, we lost the toss and where put into bat. Nails and Ash opened the batting and got off to a steady start with Nails holding down one end as Ash took on the opening bowlers in his usual aggressive manor. The first wicket fell as Ash missed a good away swinger and was promptly ‘stumped’ whilst standing a foot outside his crease and practicing the shot he should have played (this as later to earn his DOTD award).

As so often happens, 1 wicket will bring 2, in fact it bought 3 with Glen and JC only just avoiding ducks whilst competing on who would get a chance to bat again (lowest score had another go since we were short on numbers). Who did the captain turn to when in need to stead the ship, none other than Mike Brenner! Nails continued to play some lovely cover drives and work the ball around the field while Mike took his opportunity batting up the order and smashed some classical straight drives past the bowler. The opposition captain was running out of ideas and as a result bought on his strike bowler in the form of Dusty the Destroyer. Whilst his first over was dispatched for 15, he recovered by taking the price wicket of M Brenner, who holed out to cow corner – great knock for 41!

This bought Matty to the crease, who was under pressure to score some runs on this ground having produced some match winning performances away from home but not quite converting this form at East Sheen. Needless to say, he got off the mark with a tick outside edge through the slips. He was then bowled by the ever present Dusty with a ball that apparently turned. By this point, Charlie had recruited a 10^th man from Gumtree, who he promptly put into bat. First ball, a little nervous on debut and with Dusty in fall swing there was only going to be one result....OUT. This was a first of Dusty and in unknown territory bowling a hatrick ball, the field was bought in and the pressure was on the new bat – Simon, another debutant who hadn’t picked up a bat in 3 years. If in doubt, hit across the line....OUT!!! Scenes like this will never be seen again on Sheen Common. With Nails departing for a very well played 54 (thank you to the Drovers for loaning your player out) and the score in the balance at 125 for 6 we needed a captains innings. Boozer did not disappoint! A very well timed 63 not out lifted the total score to 225 all for 9, with a little help from 9 lives Toovey.

With 40 overs and 10 wickets to make 226, East Sheen where in confident mood during tea (which were to the usual high standard to which we have become accustom). Some tight bowling and solid fielding was required, and despite only having 10 men, the Maladroits where more than up to the task. Opening Bowlers Glen and Venu both made up for their issues with the bat with tight, aggressive bowling, immediately putting East Sheen under pressure (1 for 28 off 8 and 1 for 31 off 8 respectively). However, the run rate ticked along nicely (not helped by JC’s 2 overs!) and the captain had had only one option – Toovey and Matty Boland took up the challenge. Matty bowled well for his 2 for 34, however Toovey was the stand out bowler, himself having a chance of a hatrick. His final figures of 3 for 39 were rewarded with the Man of the Match award. Despite some heated exchanges towards the end of the innings, the Maladroits held firm with Ash bowling a quality final over for just 3 runs when 8 were needed.

Great finish to the domestic season. Onwards and upwards for the Tour to La Manga!

MOTM – Toovey

Fielder of the Day – Simon

DOTD – Ash

Outstanding performances – Boozer (63*) / Nails (55)

Teas – 78%

Chasing success run comes to an end in valiant chase

2010-09-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

v Jesmond Jaguars
UCL Pitches, Dulwich, Sunday 1st August 2010.
Lost by 24 runs
Ash Retter reporting.

The early start many had been waiting for half worked as we kicked off 30 minutes late at 12.30. We went into field first, and the first ball promptly got dispatched for four, and under the fence - with a locked gate it took 10 minutes to retrieve. This was not the start the intrepid 10 had been looking for.

Bowling was generally good, Bolland and Drought opening with 0 for 38 of 7 over with 1 maiden and 2 for 41 off 8 respectively. First change Retter tried hard but was expensive, uncharacteristically 0.76.8.0., and Watts chipped in with a cracking spell of 6 overs for 38. Bowler of the day was Dusty II with 2.40.6.0 - Tooves bowled exceptionally well. Burton-Brown completed the attack with a respectable 1.42.5.0 against his own team. Thank you sir. Notable performances in the field for Ed Lock, after introducing himself as a specialist fielder to new recruit Paddy, and most amusingly seen crawling on all fours swearing after a ball as it trickled over the boundary just out of reach. Mikey also earned himself the DOD title after taking a boundary catch at least 5 yards over the boundary rope at long on, more heartache for the wounded Retter.

The Jags batted well and on a quick outfield the boundaries flowed. After 40 overs and a long spell in the field at tea the MCC had been set a mammoth 283 to win.

Tea was good, the dinner ladies served up some nice hot pizza slices and jammy dodgers, amongst other things, in what was a pretty good spread. Added bonus was larger on tap, something to think about at fortress sheen.

The MCC openers took on the first wave of the Jags attack well. Lock defending and Retter keeping the score board ticking over. 7 an over was always going to be tough. The stand lasted about 7 overs with Lock falling. In stepped Watts with a message from the captain for Retter - to control himself as the illusive maiden 50 was close. True to form he did not and was caught spectacularly at deep backward point whilst slogging the first ball of the new spinner. Captain was polite, batsman was furious. 54 for 2 off 10 overs. It was to be Ed Watts’ day, stroking a fabulous 90 odd, ably supported by the other stroke playing lefty Mr. Drought who notched up a solid 40 exactly when it was needed after quick departures of Lees (8) and Bert (3). 87 for 4 off 20 overs. Drinks. At 30 overs Watts and Paddy had got us to 189 for 4. What looked like an un-reachable total was not and we were just about in the game. Unfortunately Paddy fell. We were running out of overs and the run rate was ticking up. Boozer was steadying the ship and pushing some runs, with an injured Bolland was disappointed, but also probably slightly relieved, to leave the crease run out on 6. It seemed harsh pushing the singles with an injured Matty without a runner, but we had no choice. 206 for 6 off 33 overs. Mikey went in with one express mission, to slap it over the rope every ball (no change there I know). A excellent partnership between Brewer and Brenner ensued, until a superb catch downed an on fire Mikey. 249 for 8 off 39 overs. He came back out with a respectable 15 and handed the baton to Tooves. I think we needed 34 off the last over, 5 sixes and 1 four. Unfortunately this was just out of our grasp, we manged 6 in the over. A tough loss for the Droits in what should go down in the annals of MCC cricket as a gallant run chase, and an all round good game. We were left ruing fielding with 10 men, we could have won if we could have kept the runs down a little.

MOM: Ed Watts with bat and ball.
DOD: Mikey.
FOD: Mikey.

Eight out of eight for Maladroits chasing down scores..

2010-07-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

v Mike Leas team
Bank of England
Sunday 25th July

It was a hot muggy day at a dry Bank of England ground. The track seemed flatter and with less movement than Stephen Hawking in a swimming pool. The Maladroits only had 9 players with Ed ‘Will he’ Ryder running late, but sadly the opposition had even less. This meant the decision on who would get first use of the batters paradise went down to who had the most late players and not the toss.

Mike Lea’s team opened with perhaps the least scary opening batsmen of the season. One was so old he had played alongside W.G Grace and the other had the body shape of W.G. Grace. The Maladroits sensed early wickets. Several maidens from Tricky early on and sharp bowling from Blinky kept the score reasonable. However, with the loss of the shine on the ball, and the batsmen’s aging joints warming up, runs started to flow over the lightening quick outfield. A few loose balls were dispatched with disdain by the largish batsmen and even his free-bus-passed partner joined in. It wasn’t long before the unlikely opening batsmen had brought up a 90 run opening partnership with very little risks and even less footwork.

This led to a change in the attack with Glen “The Liger” Lowis brought into the attack in combination with Matt “Rod Latham” Boland. Lowis found line and length immediately and bowled some rippers, finding the spot and nipping the top of off stump to remove the larger of the two batsmen. Boland soon removed the other batsmen, who happened to be playing in his 63^rd consecutive year of cricket. Ryder eventually decided to turn up and signaled the start of even more wickets falling.

Glen started ripping through the top order like a German machine gunner on d-day, cutting them down with perfect line and length. One wicket saw the bail fly nearly to the boundary on the full. Ryder chipped in with a wicket to remind the crowd he was worth waiting for. By this time Scouse had lost about 3 stone through running (for charity?) from fine leg to fine leg and Mike had invented a new fielding position at close-in gully/point. Pick of the day for fielding was a close call. JC was challenging himself in the field by walking after balls, waiting until they got close to the boundary and then sprinting and diving at the last minute; thus making himself look much flasher than necessary. Meanwhile, Tricky was commanding at the top of his voice for someone to back up a sharp throw at the stumps, only to nutmeg himself with the ball and concede 4 runs. Luckily Both redeemed themselves with catches, although Tricky put on a show to the crowd by not only catching a ball, but juggling it as well. Not satisfied with the performance he also pulled a long series of handkerchiefs from his sleeve, bent a spoon and sawed the umpire in half.

With Mike Lea’s team on the ropes, and with a falling run rate, Blinky was brought back on from a different end where he soon discovered the mythical Line And Length. The ball was whipped down at near world-record pace and wickets were smashed. He bowled with venom and guile and cleaned up the middle order. At the end of the 34 overs (1 short due to the scorers confusing the 3 bearded kiwi bowlers) Mike Lea’s team had set a total of 191. Glen finished with 3 for 24, Blinky 2-20ish and Boland and Ryder with 1 apiece. Total figures were hard to determine due to the scorers’ screwups.

A pleasant tea of sandwiches and scones was topped off by two (probably of legal age your honor) young ladies doing their best to flit around in tiny skirts distracting most of the Maladroits. Rod Latham was heard to announce that he had cream on his scone.

With an imposing total ahead of them, the Maladroits were confident as the pitch was flat and outfield fast. Promised no match fees if he got a 50, Tricky opened up and bludgeoned the attack like a Canadian Seal Clubber. Playing all the shots in the book (not a cricket book) he dispatched the ball to all parts of the field. JC was his usual self at the other end, latching onto anything loose and punishing it like a hire car. Tricky eventually fell for 30 off about 3 balls to bring Lowis in. Lowis partnered with JC and continued to keep the run rate racing along. JC brought up yet another classy 50 which signaled his time to get himself out (some say just to give someone else a turn). Captain McBain came in fresh from jetting around Europe’s cheapest destinations and he picked up where JC left off. Hitting a few huge shots to the boundary he was looking good until missing a straight one and getting cleaned up. (Surely Boozer was tempted to inflate his match fees with ‘taxes’ and ‘surcharges’ just to get one back for the British holidaymaker.) Glen’s hitting eventually stopped when he was also cleaned up by a straight one, so a new fresh pair of Boozer and Mike were at the crease. Mike creamed one for six before departing almost straight away.

With still a few runs to get another Maladroit collapse was on the cards. However, Boozer played his anchor role with the text book in his back pocket, while Beale entered and opened the shoulders and smashed. One six nearly went back past mid on and straight over the tree on the full. The highlight of the innings was the shot that smashed into the bowler, felling him. Not content with nearly killing the bowler, Beale ran down the pitch and hurdled the him, almost literally rubbing dirt into the wound. Boozer and Beale (playing the innings of the season) continued to entertain the supporters until no runs were left to chase. The Maladroits cruised to victory with 6 overs to spare, wondering what total they could’ve set if they had only been able to bat first.

MOM Chris Beale for a great second spell and 29 not out.

DOD Tricky for ‘back up’ comments

Fielder of the Day: Scouse for running all over the field.

Honorable mention: Captain Baino for bringing down two cute girls

Matty’s maiden ton seals big win in Bradfield

2010-07-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

v Bradfield
Saturday 24^th July
Bradfield College
MCC won by 7 wickets

Glen Lowis reports

News came through earlier this month, with the promise of the best pitches and a hog roast that could break all Maladroit records for match teas. As we drove along the M4, knowing we’d only have 10 to take the field, it was fair to say that we were all focussed on the hog roast, not the cricket.

Arriving at Bradfield College, it was immediately evident that this school was both older and bigger than my native New Zealand, and rather awe-inspiring. The wireless, electronic scoreboard was an early nominee for MOM honours. This was a setting that some of the Maladroits were more used to than others, and the pressure was on for a first-class performance.

Although we couldn’t smell the hog roast, we took to the field with the determination to earn the best tea of the season. It was a two pronged Kiwi pace attack to open the bowling. Pace and venom from Blinky ‘The Fist’ Beale (0–20) at one end, swing and guile from Lowis (1-10) at the other, and loads of energy from all in the field set the scene early on. With the Bradfield openers trying just to survive and not overworking the scorers, the first wicket fell courtesy of a Lowis swinger that curved around the lefthanders bat and knocked over middle stump.

Beale was given a few tips from Boland and found renewed vigour to send down a couple more tight overs, and when the bowling change came after 10 overs, Bradfield had struggled to 1 for 30. Paddy (2-5) and Ash (1-10) took to the bowling crease and the run rate dipped even further, and once they’d picked up three between them, Bradfield were in trouble. More inspired bowling saw the hosts limp to the drinks break at 5 for 60-odd.

Back from the drinks break, and it was more of the same in the when the sixth wicket fell to Rick (1-15) with the score on 83. With the match turning somewhat farcical, Boozer brought on the big guns of Mark Bowden (0-23) and the newly reformed spin-bowler Matty Boland. Bowling a mix of leggies and big full toss pies, Matty’s first (10 ball) over went for about 15 but strangely wasn’t in the scorebook.

The Maladroits proceeded to provide the Bradfield 7 and 8 plenty of scoring opportunities to ensure that we’d still have a game on our hands. Blinky came back on as a ‘spinner’ and JC took up the ‘attack’ from the school end. Offering up a loopy full toss first ball, JC was smashed, through the gaping hands of Lowis at mid-off and to the boundary. When questioned later, Lowis said that “the bowling didn’t deserve a wicket” and was proven right as it only got worse. After putting on 103 for the 7^th wicket, the two batsmen were denied their 50’s in the final over, finishing on 48 and 49 respectively and lifting Bradfield’s total to 6 for 186.

Out came the tea, as Bradfield put on a fantastic spread of ham, sausages, salmon, salads, strawberries and cream – and finished it off with some fine locally brewed ale. It was a tea of the highest order, but without having seen a pig on a spit, there was a little bit of disappointment.

As light drizzle swept over the ground, Matty and Mark walked out to the middle, keen to make a positive start. The bowling was solid enough, but on a good track and with 40 overs to chase down an average score, the Maladroits were optimistic from the start. With positive intent they kept out the good balls and hit anything that was short. The outfield was still relatively slow, but with their weight behind the ball, the boundaries didn’t take too long to start flowing.

Mark was out cheaply (10) before Baino joined Matty at the crease and upped the tempo. Baino quickly collected a couple of boundaries as both batsmen were level on 11. Matty had had enough and started to let loose as he sensed that this would be his day. At drinks, the Maladroits were slightly behind the required run rate, but well ahead of where the hosts had been at the same stage in their innings. Matty passed 50, for the second time this season, with a boundary, while Baino continued to build his innings.

Having brought up a chanceless 50, Matty unleashed a flurry of boundaries and was well into the 60’s. Baino, keen to make 50 on his ‘droits debut, was cut short on 38 bringing Paddy to the crease in the 25th over, with the score 2 for 142 and a win looking inevitable. The question was, could Matty push on and bring up his first ever hundred.

Into the 80’s, Matty was like a man possessed - possessed by a demon who wanted nothing more than to get him out - as he was dropped/missed three balls in a row. He ticked through over into the nineties and, when on 95, was all but out.

Rapped on the back pad in front of leg stump, his heart sank as the bowler appealed wildly, supported by his field. His fate in the hands of Lowis, he couldn’t bear to look and by the time he raised his head he saw the umpire’s index finger signalling the ball would have missed leg (and maybe a little bit uppish too). He hadn’t heard the NOT OUT decision and on thinking he had been fired, started to trudge off. Lowis yelled to a distraught Boland, telling him to come back while the fielders all began to celebrate seeing him walk on a dubious LBW shout. Lowis was left with no option but to call over, run back to square leg and hide out.

Play settled down a bit, until on 96, Boland lobbed a sitter out to square leg – only to be dropped again. His innings rapidly deteriorating, Matty squared up and pulled one to the boundary, raised his bat in triumph and retired before his average could be ruined.

That brought Rick (7*) to the crease, and by the time Paddy (12) fell the damage was done and it was up to JC (11*) to knock off the last few runs for a Maladroit victory with 5 overs to spare.

MOM: Matty Boland (101*)
Fielder of the Day: JC
Debut: Baino, Paddy, Rick
DOD: Glen (for ‘firing’ Matty on 95 and having to call him back)

MCC scrape home in last wicket thriller

2010-07-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

Bedford Row X1 vs MCC at Hampstead Heath
4/7/2010
Ash reporting.

After an underground adventure and quick walk from Golders Green tube we gathered on Hampstead Heath (extension - who knew there was one) on what promised to be a fabulous English summers day. The scenery looked promising up here in the North, there were no planes and no oppo. Roll forward 30 minutes and Boozer typically lost the toss and Droits were into the field with the biggest dog pile you have ever seen on a cricket pitch, and to sweat it out on an un-kept wicket with a very wide crease.

Tricky opened things up with flair and unfaltering stamina. His first two overs were the best so far this season for me. As usual the batsmen were kept alert and the constant peppering unnerved a few. He actually hit one poor sole with a wayward beamer this time and ended 7 overs with 2 for 32. JC backed him up bowling well down the hill and finished 1 for 35 off 6. Matty chipped in with his usual line and length picking up 2 for 25 off 7 overs. Locky (none for 4 off 2) and Retter (1 for 30 off 6, 1 maiden) contributed a couple of good overs, as did Edd Watts with 2 for 27 off 7 with 1 maiden - a cracking contribution. Adam Goodyer was like a cheetah in the field, pouncing on anything that came anywhere near him. No drops, apart from Boozer on the last ball of the innings, only to take the wicket for himself with a run out. Top score from Bedford was 27, a testament to the fielding side. At one point we thought we were romping in, but their steely determination, small boundary with good slope down one side and relentless no balling of anything above their thighs, Bedford set 177 to win.

Having sacrificed his figures for the last over, Retter was given the number 1 slot, so sacrificed his tea. Up rocks the quickest bowler of the season, running in from the boundary, stopping 1/2 way in for a breather then delivering a pacy rocket. Not what you want on said furry wicket without a lid, you just feel it was going to get in your eyes, on your chest and everything. The first few runs were extras, and it took the openers three overs to get off the mark, when Locky unleashed smashing his first six. The openers both did a good job, said quicky was dispatched back over his head for a one bounce four (4 fours off the over from Retter), which quickly saw the first bowling change after 8 overs. As we have all see before Locky and Retter both fell un-necessarily with the first changes. Mark and JC arrived at the crease, a few swishes and some lovely stokes only to see bails fly too early. Then our first bit of Karma for the day, Ed Watts stepped up and was caught behind, luckily the ball was a shoulder high beamer so after some crying from the field and some authoritive umpiring from Trigger Tricky and Locky we managed to squeeze Ed Watts back to the crease. He duly foudn the boundary a few times with some lovely shots, then fell. Cheetah Goodyer came and went. Boozer and Matty arrived. Stroke play ensued after some pretty good bowling to be fair. Boozer was triggered (it was out) and Matty was caught pulling a head high bouncer, second bit of Karma - we were able to reverse as a no-ball much to their chagrin. Leesy came in, played some solid looking shots for one with a shoulder injury (be careful on the stairs next time old man) and got off to what looked like it would be a great innings, smashed a boundary or two, but unfortunately made way for Tricky. We were collapsing and it was all down to Tricky and Matty, not forgetting a visibly nervous Cheetah as 11th man. What an innings would follow. With protection of his average at the forefront of his mind Tricky set about the bowling like a chav in Lillywhites. Boundaries were hit, the score ticked on. Matty was holding up his end and without exact figures we were getting very close with plenty of overs left. We had one wicket to spare, the Cheetah was allowed to bat again after his quick warm up outing at number 4. It became nail biting stuff. Third bit of Karma for the day, Tricky was hit with the second beamer of the over. As umpire at the time I was highly amused with the comments coming from the batsman - along the lines of ‘I have never seen anything like this in all my days’. Weather it was deliberate or not we all enjoyed it.

The bowlers got Tricky, and up stepped Adam. The relief when he got off the mark was evident, a loud whoop as he grounded his bat at the non strikers end, and Matty was able to hit the winning runs. Well that was how I remember it at least. We made a meal of it and it ended up getting very close, and as our skipper has mentioned a fine MCC win, a contender for game of the season.

Highlight of the day and fourth bit of Karma, the lady walking her dog, that when asked to leave the pitch and walk round the flags (for the saftey of her and her mutt), turned her back moodily, and stepped in said huge pile of shit. Could have been a Mastercard advert.

MOM: Matty- match winning 50* . Tricky a close second.
FOD: Adam Goodyer

Tea: thank you Bedford CC. More Haribo next time, Evian a nice touch.

Full Tossers Whitewashed for 2010

2010-07-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

v Full Tossers

Wandsworth Park

Sunday 20th June

Won by 3 wickers

With 24 hours to go before the match, we still had no pitch lined up- drastic phone calls to most of Wandsworth Council a pitch was finally found alongside the Thames in Putney.. On winning the toss we inserted the Full Tossers into bat and Moore and Newman got to work, both producing some great bowling.. Both took early wickets and the wickets continued to tumble as Tooves (MOM with 3 wickets), Fran, Bobby Nelson and the new boy Sam Armour all gave the batsmen problems.. Our fielding was the usual concoction of good, bad and comical but we managed to knock over a weakened FT line up for 124.

Ash Retter got the innings off to a lightning start and in partnership with new boy Rick added forty for the first wicket. After one heave too many Ash was bowled- Mikey Brenner came to the crease and after a nice 4 was poleaxed by a spitting length delivery that put him out of action amongst the "married female contingent" of his work colleagues for a few weeks- he was bowled next ball trying to knock the bowler into a different post code.. Although we did see the ubiquitous Maladroits batting collapse as our middle order tumbled the MCC scraped home to another good win with 3 wickets in hand.

MOM: Tooves

Fielder: Fran

DOD: Tricky

Bobby and Matty with the Ball, Bobby and Mark with the Bat seal MCC win

2010-06-15T04:31:00.001-07:00

v Princes Head Pub
Sunday 13th June
Sheen Park
MCC won by 7 wickets

Dusty Tooves reports (it has been reviewed for bad language)

Maladroits hosted the unknown quantity of The Kings Head Pub from Richmond on what is fast becoming known as 'Fortress Sheen' (at least, it will be until the match report on last week's loss to the Drovers is uploaded) on a Sunday where English optimism had dipped to the traditional post-world-cup-opener low. Boozer, ever the believer, elected to bowl first and looked to Tricky to conjure up a miracle. He provided one immediately by sending down a maiden via the crafty technique of utilising the corridor of uncertainty... that being the channel between the batsmen's pads and the leg side popping crease in which a hungover umpire doesn't want to set a dangerous precedent in calling wide. A second miracle was conjured when Tricky picked up the opening wicket with a rank longhop to set the Droits on a merry dance through the opposition batting lineup. An Asian player with a genuine accent is enough to send the 'imported superstar' chills down the spine. And after several balls were marmalised to various parts of the ground, it was with great relief that Matty induced an outside edge to first slip that Mark swallowed up with the eagerness that a hungry tramp snaps up the sandwiches that Prêt discards at the end of each day. Matty snavvled one next ball, and with the hat-trick on, Boozer turned the pressure up by arranging most of his field into catching positions. Unfortunately one of those wasn't at deep mid off as the hat-trick ball was dispatched most of the way to Mortlake.

At the other end Dom had kept it tight, unlike the previous evening, and Glen - determined to get more than 2 overs this weekend - bowled with determination, speed, and controlled aggression. 2 overs later he was hauled off for Bobby 'Stump Rattler' Nelson to begin a spell of bowling so good that it bought raucous roars of approval every 90 seconds or so from the crowd. Either that it was the reverse thrusters on the engines of the 747's... both noises are eerily similar, yet a damn sight more tuneful than that of a plastic horn. Using the old adage of 'you miss, I hit' coupled with a new theory of distracting the batsmen with a (frankly) ridiculous choice of footwear, Bobby sent stumps and bails flying. At the opposite end of the carnage, Tooves shuffled his way in to give Bowden some more catching practice. Unfortunately Bowden wasn't made aware of this and shelled 2 chances before Dusty removed the Greg Davies lookalike with the last ball of his 2nd over. Boozer thought this was the ideal time to haul him off and bought on Crispin to clean up the tail. A generous offer to let 2 of the opposition batsmen bat again briefly looked like it was going to backfire until Bobby cleaned up the returning batsmen on his way to a well-deserved 4-for, leaving Maladroits 146 to chase.

Tea's were, yet again, of a high quality. So good that the recently acquired Antipodean contingent were heard worryingly murmuring about the setting of a dangerously high quality precedent. The lovingly home-made sandwiches, sausages, cake, scones, and the ever-popular Haribo combined to make a spread that surely not even the Delia-inspired Norwich City FC would be able to match. Next weeks opponents should bring a mini DV cam to film this all important part of proceedings, with a view as using as an instructional video.

With the insistence of a certain team members (ill-advised, in hindsight) eagerness to see a football match at 7:30pm that evening ringing in their ears, The Maladroits top-order pursued their target with the vigour and vim of a recently fed Crusader. Slashing through the unexpecting infidels were Mark Bowden, using his blade on a rampaging pillage through the oppositions bowlers, and the slightly more sedate Leesy, who took the more circumspect and sophisticated Bond-villain approach to the disposing of an opponent. Both posted commendable 50's, however Leesy's was the subject of some confusion after Boozer's new toy, the iphone cricket scoring app (Man of The Match in the reporters opinion) placed him 5 or 6 runs higher than the traditional pen and paper method. In fairness to the opposition, their best bowler took an early shower due to an unspecified injury, and surely sensing the fervour of Bowden, the skipper decided not to change any of the the bowlers for fear of him destroying their fragile confidence. Tricky finally managed to contribute in the field by letting through a couple of boundaries whilst fielding for the opposition, combining with some (very) brief cameo's from Ash, Tooves, and Glen that saw Maladroits salute the judges with a furlong to spare.

All in all a right royal stuffing that was done and dusted by the pleasing time of 5pm. There was barely a bad performance from within the playing group, with Bowden making up for shelling 3 catches by taking a sharp one and belting 65 off about 13 deliveries, Leesy hitting the winning runs to confirm his 50, Bobby taking 4 wickets and Matty chiming in with 3.

MOM: Bobby Nelson (4 wickets)
Fielder of the Day: Dom (few great stops and some world breaking stone drifting)
DOD: Tricky (for getting out of bed the wrong side- just wait till he's got two little ones)

Carrington drives Drovers to misery on May heatwave

2010-05-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

Vs The Drovers 1^st leg

Boom Boom Billington reports

Bank of England Ground
Sunday 23rd May
Maladroits won by 6 wickets

A glorious summer’s day at the Bank of England ground saw another fine Maladroit performance and the 3^rd win of the season.

After losing the toss and incurring the wrath of Dom who was all set to do some sunbathing, Boozer led us into the field in the heat of the day. The absence of opening bowler Tricky due to ‘heavy traffic’ meant that Moore and Ryder started the attack. After a few classic Maladroit looseners from Dom he started hitting the mark and ended up getting 1 (bowled) for 27 of 7, while Ryder kept it tight barring the last over where he got slapped around like Tina Turner on her wedding night, final figures 1 (bowled) for 33 of 5.

Eventually Tricky arrived and was bowling within minutes. Some beamers kept the batsmen on their toes and he managed to floor one of the oppo and then bowled him the next ball, classic Maladroit aggression. (1 for 22 of 3).

Matty bowled well to contain the drovers attack and some nifty fielding including a run out gained him Fielder of the Match. His nifty footwork in flicking the ball straight to his hands was also a definite highlight. (0 for 34 off 7)

Although the wickets took a while to fall, after some nifty bowling by Leasy we broke though with a rare LBW decision going our way. An even rarer Ryder catch secured Leasy the most wickets of the day and he ended up 2 for 27 off 4.

Turning to part of our antipodean contingent, Tooves “Dusty’s love child” shuffled his way to almost taking off Wes’ head who obligingly nutted the ball onto his own stumps. (1 for 33 off 5)

Carrington came on for a quick spell and kept it tight conceding on 10 runs of 3 overs.

A miscalculation from Boozer meant that Matty was lined up to bowl an 8^th over and as the maximum was 7, Chad was put into the fray. After getting his first wicket of the season (bowled) he then managed to put one about 3 metres wide, showing true Maladroit consistency. (1 for 8 off 1)

Score at the turn was Drovers 223 for 7.

Tea was a sedate affair with scones, cakes and sandwiches as well as a choice of Earl Gray or Builders, a huge step up from the previous day’s effort but not a touch on an average Maladroit match tea.

Carrington and Brewer started off the Maladroit batting and although JC managed to get dropped first ball and then twice more he went on to score an impressive 111 retd. Boozer’s excuse that he couldn’t hit an attacking shot were proved to be a fallacy as he went on to get a commendable 34, eventually being caught behind.

Matty then step in and smacked a few to the boundary before being caught behind for 25, and Ash got to 7 before facing a straight one and being bowled.

With only 15 runs to go Chad stepped in to join JC only to see him retire, then in walked Jamo. It only took a ball for Leasy to reach for the trigger finger to see a discuss Jamo storm of the field shaking his head. Sorry Jamo I saw it and it was plum. Ryder then turned up half dressed as he thought it was all over and was half way to his car. He scored a couple of runs before Chad finished off the game with 2 swipes for 6 that Timmy would be proud off, ending another fine Maladroit performance.

Stats for day:

MOM: Carrington

Fielder of the day: Boland

DOD: Tricky (punctuality)

MCC canter over the line in low scoring feisty thriller

2010-05-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

Maladroits vs Full Tossers, Saturday 22^ndMay 2010.

Regents Park

MCC won by 5 wickets

Ed "raw knuckles" Lock reports

Confidence was curiously high following a loss to a bunch of kids the previous week and a real schlep to even locate the pitch at Regent’s Park. This was likely due to the sunny 21^oC weather with a constant force 2 making for near perfect playing conditions.

So, as usual, the Droits were first to field and the high performance bowling line up soon took hold. Ryder and Byrne piled on immediate pressure and Matty at first change bowled consistent line and length to ensure a steady trickle of wickets to reduce the oppo to 67 for 6 at drinks.

After drinks things hotted up as the oppo’s ‘nothing to lose’ attitude peppered Byrne and Ryder on the boundary. However, above average fielding pinned the Tossers (sorry, “Full Tossers”) down, in particular JC’s direct hit securing the first of two run outs. Even with 5 dropped catches to 3 secured and a constant pitch invasion from wayward Europeans and 8 year old chavs, strong bowling and attentive fielding ensured the oppo came to a premature end of 123 from 29 overs, with Matty and Watts taking 3 wickets each.

On leaving the field for a well deserved tea, our high spirits were quickly shattered. Blue cheese sandwiches in the hot baking sun? Simply unacceptable. Ryder conveyed the team’s frustrations with a slightly raised voice.

After tea, JC and Locky took the stand to a particularly aggressive opening pair whilst the rest of the oppo seemed content supping beers and heckling (badly), most likely consoling their own fear that 123 was short against an on form Droits attack. JC notched up a quick 22 before being bowled followed by Tooves out to a young Gough-esqe in swinging yorker. After a stoic Lock was bowled for 17 from 18 overs (another record broken), Watts and Mikey steadied the ship against what were now a particularly inebriated and irritating oppo. Mikey’s quick and commendable 17 including a ma-hoosive 6 over long on, was supplemented by constant byes from a pink gloved and possibly blind oppo wickey. As the target grew closer, it was now playtime for Chad and Lees. The very obtainable 123 was achieved with a stylish 4 from Chad epitomising an all round strong performance from the Droits.

Quote of the day –

Oppo: “Let’s not heckle the umpire lads, he’s got it wrong twice but I’m sure he’ll get it right soon”.

JC: “That is heckling you f*cking idiot!”

DOD: Ryder (by default due to no individual gaffs)

MOM: Watts (22 runs and 3 wickets)

Fielder: JC (direct hit for run out)

Charterhouse Schoolboys take the honours again..

2010-05-20T14:21:00.000-07:00

Alex "Bobby" Less reporting

v Charterhouse Maniacs
Charterhouse School
Maniacs won by 5 wickets

The Maladroits arrived at Charterhouse eager to make up for the drubbing they took the previous year at the hands of the young Maniac side. The omens didn’t look good when an admin oversight by captain Boozer meant that the Maladroits fielded only 10 players. With Glen and Tooves running late and the Maladroits down to 8 players, the Maniacs graciously conceded the toss and allowed the Maladroits to bat first in the wet and miserable conditions. It was due to the Maniacs eagerness that the game went ahead as this reporter feels that if the game was played at Sheen then it would have been called off a long time before the start.

The Maladroits opened up with Ash and Lees, and they provided a solid start with Ash playing the Botham role to Lees’ less flamboyant Boycott. Runs flowed from Ash in a torrent, with rather more a trickle from Lees at the other end. Ash looked in fine touch with the ball coming out of the middle of the bat and set the Maladroits innings off at a fair lick. He got slightly fortunate a couple of times with dropped catches and some big swings and misses, but these were far outweighed by some cracking shots to the boundary ropes.

Ash was finally out agonizingly short of his half century for a well played 46 as he was clean bowled attempting another big hit. Next in was the newly wed Ryder, but I hope he lasted longer on his wedding night as he departed for a first ball 0 after edging behind. Tooves stopped the rot momentarily but was out soon after for 10, and he was soon followed by Lees for 35 and another Maladroit collapse looked on the cards. With Boozer out for a second ball duck, a low score looked a distinct possibility but fortunately Chad and Glen steadied the creaking ship and started a useful partnership.

Both batsmen looked in good nick and dispatched the bad ball to the boundary. Chad was out caught behind for 22 and was soon followed by Dom for a duck. Tricky joined Glen at the crease and hit a couple of boundaries early on to push the score along. Glens dismissal for a well played 27 meant the ever improving Fisher came out as the Maladroits last man. Scouse added to his lifetime average with an assured 1 not out as Tricky was last man out for 14, with the Maladroits making 176 (need to check as didn’t put that in email to me!!). The Maladroits fought back well to reach this score, but it looked slightly below par with the short boundaries and quick outfield.

The rain continued to fall as the Maladroits took the field for the Maniacs innings. The new ball was given to Tricky and Dom, and they opened up strongly with Tricky providing pace down the hill and Mustaq swing at the other end. Tricky was rewarded with 2 early wickets and showed good early season promise. Both wickets came from catches as was to become a theme in the match as the Maladroits took their chances (apart from Boozer and Ryder) in the field. Dom ended up with 3 catches, Glenn 2 and Chad pulled off a nonchalant one handed fine effort. The game moved on at a fast pace as the Maniacs looked to hit boundaries and it was obvious that the match would come to a swift conclusion either way, much to the Maladroits relief in the persistence rain. Ryder and Glenn came on as the change bowlers and tried to stem the flow of runs. In the whole they were successful as Ryder, with his new stock slower ball claimed 2-24 from 4 overs and Glen bowled a lot better than his figures of 1 for 45 from 7 overs suggests.

Wickets did fall, but this bought the Maniacs best batsman to the crease and all the bowlers suffered as he plundered the attack. Lees, Ash and Tooves all tried their luck, with mixed fortunes against well set batsmen, but Tooves did pick up a wicket through Chads great catch. The Maniacs cruised to victory in the end as the Maladroits couldn’t force a break through and it always looked unlikely that they would be able to defend their total. There was some crumbs of comfort for the Maladroits to reflect on with a solid display in the field, good catching, some cracking shot making from Ash at the top of the innings and a fine all round performance from Glenn.

Maladroits off to winning start...

2010-04-18T13:20:00.000-07:00

MCC v Sheen CC
Sunday 18th April 2010
Sheen Park
Maladroits won by 6 wickets

The Maladroits got their 2010 season off to a winning start with a fine victory over their landlords.. On a glorious early summers day and with the peace and tranquillity and with the Heathrow flightpath silenced for once (there are some things money can't buy!) the Maladroits were even heard to be appreciating the local tweeting birdlife..

The Maladroits inserted the Sheen batsmen on winning the toss and began with some tight bowling from Bealo and "Mushtaq" Moore although no chances came our way (thankfully for most of the close fielders..) and Sheen built up a 50 opening partnership... Looking to liven up the game Boozer called on his first change pairing of Matty and Glen.. Some sharp and lively bowling from Matty got the deserved first wicket with a lovely away swinger- Bealo woke from his stupor just in time to guzzle the chance in the slips...

As to be expected from the Maladroit fielding there was some comedy moments to behold- Locky and Crispin clutching air under high chances and Crispin running in the wrong direction when the ball came in his direction- Maybe the Maladroits could get a discount at Specsavers? Other useful contributions with the ball came from Ash and Crispin but it was Scouse who continues to surprise all with his electric fielding- what does Esther feed him before games? Fran also showed some promising signs in the field..

Sheen finished on 186 for 4, and then it was left for everyone to enjoy a fine tea. Highlights featured home made sausage rolls, some home made cakes and even some gluten free sandwiches for the "special needs" contingent.. JC and Locky held off from overdoing it on the teas to open up and speed to a 80 opening partnership- JC, in his pinch hitting role and Locky cleverly playing second fiddle to both notch 50s.

After making it look like it was going to be an easy chase the MCC then succumbed to a collapse with JC going for 63 and unlucky Matt Bolland adjudged LBW first ball.. Ash Retter added a few more with Locky including one mammoth strike into the sightscreen but Ash lamely succumbed (possibly concerned that Dusty may be coming on to bowl at him). Locky completed a fine 50 before being stumped going for a glory shot and it was left to Bealo and Glen Lois to finish off the chase..

A fine win for the Maladroits and a great start to what promises to being an exciting season with some good débuts from Matty and Glen.. Next game is Charterhouse- let's try and beat the schoolboys this year!!

MOM: Jim Carrington

DOD: Crispin (for dropped catch and running the wrong way in the field, and stalling his new car!)

DOD (2nd): Dom (for giving a wide when the batsmen hit the ball to cover for 2 runs)

Top Fielder: Scouse (top commitment)

Notable contributions: JC 63, Locky 51, Bealo 31*, Matt 1 for 8 off 5

Catches: Phil, Boozer

Drops: Locky, Crispin

2009 Maladroits season report

2010-03-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

Played 17, Won 10, Lost 7

With the 2010 cricket season soon upon us now is a good chance to recap on our most successful season yet. In 2009 the Maladroits won 10 out of their 17 games, the quality of teas was exceptional and there were some spectacular drops to be enjoyed too.

Early signs were that old age, marriages and injuries were catching up on us with big defeats to both Sheen and the schoolboys of Charterhouse.

However, this soon changed with a great victory over the Jesmond Jaguars- achieved through taking 9 catches, many exceptional, to bowl the Jaguars out for under 150. Another highlight included a win by 1 run over Bedford Row with JC taking the 10^th wicket in a nail biting final over. Defeates against both archrivals, the Drovers and the Full Tossers were avenged by victories in the return leg at Sheen with fine all round performances.

Wins were clocked up against Ebernoe, Mustard Menaces and the Battersea Ironsiders- the only frustration was two losses to landlords Sheen, where Dusty cast his usual spell on our batsmen. Mention must go to JC who scored useful and quick runs at the top of the order and Ed Ryder who came in low down but consistently rescued the "Maladroit collapse" (is it in the dictionary yet?). Dom and Tricky were a committed and sometimes unlucky new ball pairing with additional quality added when Bealo could play.

Tea making was in many cases worthy of Michelin stars with the “Chad Ginger cordial”, Lees and Bowes patisseries & biltong and Lockies “PSWs” only eclipsed by the feast rolled out by Chef Mikey for 25 guests at the Last Night of the Proms.

Final mention must go to the new Maladroits in their debut seasons. Ash “Riverdance” Retter, Fred “Yes sir” Auld, Mark “the Bucket” Bowden, “Away swing” Rob and “In swing” Bob (Bowen and Nelson) and Tom “ Devon Malcolm on form playing against the Maladroits, Malcolm off form for the Maladroits” Daniel. There were also lots of valuable “Chesney” one off appearances from others throughout the season.. Great support was also shown throughout the season from many WAGS and a few Malanippers were also there to support (and hopefully not learn too much from)their Dads. Tricky "Do as I say, not as I do"..

All in all, a top season for the Maladroits and one to build on for the 2010 summer..