Two tonnes, two Brewers and one leg... 

Maladroits, 35 Overs, 367-5

Footballers, 17.1 Overs, 74 all out

Maladroits win by 293 runs.

If their general attire didn’t give it away, their first delivery certainly did. We were not dealing with cricketers here.

An pie of the highest (and widest) order served up outside leg and well above it with mash, gravy and all the trimmings. Dispatched for 4 and the tone was set for the next 35 overs. The Maladroits had an average-increasing, confidence building batting practice session on their hands…and practice they did.

A steady opening partnership developed quickly but the lure of the game’s first 6 proved too much for Staffy who attempted to heave what must have been the first straight delivery of the match over his shoulder and apparently (given the swing) over the adjacent Richmond Park and onto the nearby A3. Unfortunately all the Maladroits opener managed to heave was the warm summer air of East Sheen cricket ground. Bowled.

Debutant Appleton marched in at 3 and hit a quick fire 38 off 19 balls before the 43^rd full toss of the match landed on his right foot and he was controversially sent on his way by stand in umpire Nick Dearman. I’ve been told that if anyone ever did a sense of injustice better than Kevin Pietersen we would probably have to go back to the Maid of Orleans when they lit the flame or Anne Boleyn just before the blade came down, but Appleton certainly gave it his best shot as he trudged off to the clubhouse and away from what he was certain would have been the first half century of his limited cricketing career.

Suffice to say the decision made for a somewhat frosty car journey home with Appleton continuing to protest the delivery was sliding it’s way past his leg stump. Dearman has since declined to comment after allegations that should it have been hitting middle the stand-in umpire had therefore given the wrong guard position in the first place. Awkward.

Next up, Henry Fray. The dusty cricket baseball cap. The custom Newbury bat. The newest pads in the locker. All the gear. But literally no idea. No idea how he ended up walking back to the pavilion on zero that is. Another tame delivery swatted away by opener Tom this time back in the bowler’s general direction…the fielding being of a similar quality to the bowling the attempted catch was inevitably dropped but quite incredibly deflected onto the stumps before Henry had managed to make his way back to the crease from a generous backing up position virtually in his partner crease. Run out in quite spectacular fashion and simply devastated, though he hid it well.

Next up, 3^rd debutant Harry. This time is appeared that all the gear meant every idea as he swatted away boundaries with consummate ease reaching the 50 mark in no time whilst Tom kept anchor at the other end gently cruising his way to what must surely be the most straightforward century of his young career. This is not to take anything away from opener, it is important to note that there is no such thing as a straightforward century.

As the bowler’s began to tire and those on the boundary were only kept awake with the regular rattling of boundary benches as yet another delivery of the lowest quality was dispatched by an ever increasingly confident partnership, both gentlemen at the crease reached said 100’s and were gracefully retired, the former ignoring the original request to retire and feeling it necessary to smash 4 off 1 final ball for 105 to give himself some breathing space should it be found that not every ball had been recorded accurately in the Maladroits scoring book. If he’d been at the boundary as said book was passed from one scoring virgin to one mathematical dyslexic to another he’d probably realised he’d made the right decision.

The duo trundled off to a polite applause and were replaced by final debutant Joshua and Dearman, still reeling with guilt after his dreadful LBW decision just an hour earlier. Josh’s walk to the crease was not a march of Kevin Pietersen like confidence, indeed it was more one of the night-watchmen as he realises during the walk-on that the opposing team have just requested the extra 10 overs at the end of the day, realising he’ll be walking back this way rather shortly. And walking back he was after hoisting a straightforward catch down the throat of deep midwicket which remarkably remained held and the self-professed bowler was back to the pavilion in record time.

The final overs approached and it was fellow bowler and ex-hockey player Paddy Milburn who took it on his (remarkable underdeveloped) shoulders to finish the innings with partner in crime Dearman. The 2 batted with ease, flair and outstanding athleticism (much to Dearman’s disgust as Milburn called for the 3^rd 3 in succession) against the weary and quite remarkably untalented bowling attack to close the 35 over innings out at a mammoth total of 367.

Tea was served. An interesting and eclectic mixture of cheese and ham sandwiches, Percy Pigs^TM (all varieties), chicken drumsticks, but ultimately, no malt loaf. There’s just no pleasing some people.

The second innings approached. A record run chase was required. The over rate set at a daunting 10.51 was surely out of reach for the football-come-cricket (but should of stayed with football) XI. Milburn was handed the gleaming cherry and proceeded to fire down 6 of his finest outswingers much to the disgust of the opening Footballers batsmen who, having painfully watched from the field for the past 2 hours was now of the confident view that batting in cricket is very easy.

A hugely fortunate 4 top edged to the third man boundary and a scampered single off Josh’s corresponding first over provided the only runs from an otherwise excellent opening 2 overs, whilst the 3^rd over brought what most had expected sometime earlier…wicket #1. And what a wicket. With Milburn hooping the ball on his imaginary strings from the bowler’s end the Footballers opener simply couldn’t resist a nibble outside off stuff attempting a lusty cover drive/slash towards the pavilion but only managing a thick top edge sent flying of the bat. 1^st slip Staffy sensed his glory moment and took an absolute crackerjack catch diving full length to his right. The team crowded round to celebrate what must have been for all and sundry the best catch they had witnessed live, and one which will surely live long in the memory.

Not to be outdone, 2^nd bowler Josh fizzed another unplayable delivery past off stump the very next over, the very same nibble, and well, not quite the very same catch with Appleton employing the old ‘deflect upwards and pouch the rebound’ method at second slip, but it was a second wicket all the same and a very welcome one at that. Surely now they were going to drop the big guns on us, surely now the real cricketers would come out swinging, surely now…OH HE’S GONNNNNNNE! FIRST BALL! The timbers are everywhere, the batsmen castled, the stumps are splattered, the bails are battered…and Josh is on a hatrick. 6 slips, a short leg and an awful lot of pressure, but the batsmen number 4 survives and plays out the rest of the over.

Time for some leg spin from resident finger roller Stevo…after getting his bearings with a couple of opening wides Stevo produced some absolute rippers snorting off of the line and over leg stump one after another. Josh continued peddling his trade from the other end and was devastated not to pick up another wicket due to the inept fielding of Henry Fray who appeared to have forgotten to wash the butter of his hands from lunch and spilled a straight forward looper at mid off. Sometimes you’ve got to sit back and admit it won’t be your day. And that day, Henry Fray, was today.

Stevo picked up where he left off from the pavilion end and it only took until his second over before he picked up a deserved wicket, batsman number 4 swiping the slower ball and top edging a comfortable take for Boozer behind the stumps. Appleton was thrown the ball by JC after an impressive 3 over spell by Josh and decided that bowling at (or anywhere near) the stumps was hugely overrated. After 3 wides (and multiple opportunities to practice his ‘no justice’ face at the umpire upon signal of said wides) Appleton finally managed a few on line but was batted for 2 boundaries in what was the first time in the match the opposition had managed the original over rate, an over rate which had now crept its way into the unobtainable early 20s.

Appleton persisted and whilst marginally improving showed no danger of snaffling a wicket of his own which Stevo began to pick up for fun from the opposing end as the opposition were whittled down to a quite startlingly poor 45-8. Harry took up where Appleton had left off with some improved line, length and pace but the lower order had their eye in now and it was surely time to turn back to opener Milburn to depose of this final stand and wrap things up in time for the imminently starting USPGA Open final afternoon. Wrap it up he did with another fine spell finally earning him a stump shattering 2^nd wicket and the team’s 9^th of the afternoon.

A twist at the tail saw the opposition march in their final batsman (with one leg) for a flourish, and with 293 runs to spare the bowlers offered the chap the chance to enjoy his time in the limelight looping down a couple of gentle rollers on the leg side, a lovely sight which most would agree encapsulated everything cricket stands for and one enjoyed by not only those in the field but those that had gathered round the square on what had turned out to be sun drenched Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, no-one told Tom. Nick Dearman’s first ball finally struck by the plucky chap up towards an empty space at mid off and surely runs were on the card. As his runner set off on what would surely be a historical landmark in the young man’s recovery from what was clearly a serious and life-changing operation Tom sensed an opportunity to close the match off on his own terms and leaped in the space snaffling the low flying ball before gravity had finished its job, cruelly sending their final batsman back to the hutch run-less. A brutal, cruel twist of fate the rest of his team could scarcely believe. And a well deserved Dick of the Day.

Man of the Match – Harry

Fielder of the Match – Staffy

Dick of the Day – Tom

Teas – below average. 37%

Match Report by Apple

Maladroits just lose out as they live up to their name...

MCC v Sheen
Sunday 22nd June 2013
MCC lost by 7 wickets (off the last ball of the game!)
Matty Bolland reporting

It was a day for the fans. A crowd in excess of 12 turned up to watch the classic annual fixture of the Maladroits v Sheen. Strangely, both teams were playing at their home ground, and both teams entered the contest as the underdog. With rain on the horizon (as is common in an English summer) the Maladroits won the toss and elected to bat. Carrington and Brewer strode to the crease purposeful, knowing a fast outfield and hard pitch would reward positive batting. The Sheen bowling was a mixed bag; line and length with movement both ways from one end, and moon balls being floated up from the other end. With Dusty running late Sheen had implemented their secret weapon, mini-Dusty. Eventually mini-Dusty managed to find the pitch and caught Carrington in 4 minds - forward, backwards, sideways, forwards again and then miss the ball to be bowled for an aggressive 25. Staff, on debut, looked to get himself settled and not wanting to succomb to the sheen-new-comers-curse. Another healthy partnership ensued; Staff, continuing his good form in the nets, played elegant cricket shots along the ground. 

However, Staff would also fall to mini-Dusty, snicked behind for a quickfire 24. Fray, one of the few Maladroits under 30 and able to perform athletic feats such as hitting the ball continued the momentum. After hitting the only 6 of the innings, several balls later he was a little unlucky to cream the bowler over his head for what would've been another 6. The bowler, head down, shouted out "shit" as he was hit for what the thought was another boundary; this was quickly followed by a loud "fuck" from the batsman after he realised it was down long-on's throat. Fray departed for a handy 24. Meanwhile Brewer was milking the bowlers like a frantic milkmaid late for a barn-dance and not wanting to miss out on the fun. Cut shots were mixed together with powerful pull shots. One lofted drive tried its best to go for six, but dropped just inches short. A chanceless innings, he soon brought up his maiden ton with a pull shot to square. With the innings coming to a close, the run rate was lifted and wickets fell. Brewer departed; Dearman played a classy 32 before being stumped upping the tempo. Greenback wasted no time in running himself out without facing a ball, a fantastic selfless act to help the team. Finishing as the Maladroits started, the final ball of the innings was smashed through mid off by Herlihy, giving him a good-for-the-strike-rate 4 runs from one ball. Dusty had been ineffective, and a total of 259 from 35 overs seemed a good score. 

Following a pretty good teas, it was time to defend what looked like a good tally. Boland opened the bowling and managed to find some line, some length and even some seam movement. Beating the bat and finding the inside edge he had Ingrim shouting MIDDLESEX at the young batsman, reminding him that wearing your Dad's Middlesex jumper doesn't make you any better at cricket (and in hindsight it may be worth the Maladroits making a trip to the Lords gift shop during the week). Herlihy opened at the other end and after finding his line managed to get one to nip back and bowl the opener middle stump. He created several chances, but nothing went to hand. Sheen accumulated well, but were just beyond the run rate. The openers bolwers were soon changed, and Zabadme pickup up a wicket to leave Sheen two down. Lees was almost fatally wounded after falling on his arse taking the catch, and had to retire from the field. 

Dearman newly into the attack, produced a gem first ball, getting the Sheen batsman probing outside off-stump. The edge flew fast and high, but Brewer lurking behind had the reactions of a trodden cat. A spectacular one handed take sent the batsman packing and the Maldroits a few wickets from the tail. The young Middlesex jumper wearing opener was joined by the last recognised batsman and it was still a long way to the total. Fray bowled some accurate offspinners - troubling bother batsmen with the turn and bounce. Ingrim and Carrington both chipped in to try and remove the pair who were now building a healthy partnership. Seeing the ball well, both batsmen started hitting the ball cleanly - finding the boundary for most bad balls. 

A few chances were shelled, and a clear caught behind not given on grounds that the umpire wanted to win the game more than wanting to be a decent human being. The batsman's explanation for not walking was that he was batting well and he wanted to keep going. Fair enough. With an unlikely 18 needed off the final over, it was the Maladroits game to lose. The young opener had gotten his century, so he could focus on winning the game again. A series of misfields and dropped catches meant that it came down to the last ball; 2 to win for Sheen. Boland produced a low full-toss which was skied. 

Zabadne, filling in for the wounded Lees, trembled underneath. Knowing that this one act could win the game, he promptly dropped it, fulfilling the Maladroit debut curse. The ball was thrown to the bowlers end, but the batsman had crossed (twice) to run the two needed for victory. Match-fixing allegations were denied and the Maladriots hurridly scurried to the pub to discuss the heart wrenching defeat. 

MOM: Brewer for 110

DOD: Greenback for running himself out without facing a ball

FOD: Brewer for classy catch, and general tidiness with the gloves. 

Teas: 67% 

MCC back to winning ways (a bit too comprehensively!)

Match Report 10^th June: Maladroits v Wandering Brothers – 

Sheen Park

Garry Barry Gaisford reports

Maladroits won (by a lot of runs)

On an overcast day, with rain threatening (the only thing threatening in the entire match), it was decided that overs would be reduced to 25 to allow everyone the chance to bat. With the opposition failing to produce 11 men, Boozer immediately offered them Dharmesh, making it 10 apiece. Despite some interesting chat about rather inappropriate tattoos, and current immigration requirements the team was in good spirits.

After deciding to bat first it was imperative to get off to a quick start, a notion that hadn’t quite registered with Glen who started off the batting in true night-watchman style. Luckily Ryan at the other end had rather different intentions, refusing the option of singles and striking the ball cleanly rapidly knocking up 50 runs. After Ryan’s departure, Glen came into his own, relishing the opportunity with James to destroy the bowling attack and both knock up half centuries, with Glen being top scorer with 67 (or something close). The temptation to finally slog out brought the end to Glen’s fine innings, and with only 6 overs remaining, Bobby like any good supporting batsman took to the field to enable James to keep scoring. With only one over remaining, the batting prowess that once graced the Uppingham fields was finally seen with 2 lovely edges going straight to the boundaries. At the end of 25 overs the excellent batting display from the 3 (sorry four batsman) had posted a challenging and impressive total of 213 for 2.

Tea was a quick affair, partly due to the quality on offer (special mention must go to Paddy’s wife for the delicious cupcakes) but the fear of rain, the Maladroits took to the field (some with extras) in confident spirits. The first over by Dearman set the tone with some ferocious line and length, backed up by Charlie from the other end yielding  a wicket for Charlie with a great take from Ryan. Confidence was high at this point with the visitors only posting 9 runs after 4 overs, but then their leading scorer Wide made a cameo appearance, and had it not been for the athleticism of fielder of the day Boozer behind the stumps Wide’s total may have been more.

Boozer then showed courage by changing the bowling attack bringing on the experienced left arm bowler of Paddy and the less experienced just back from retirement Gary. The move however was inspired!! Paddy was in exceptional form, moving the ball from side to side, causing all sorts of confusion in the batting attack, posting what must be a record for the Maladroits, 4 wickets for only 2 runs. Gary was nearly as good, getting into the heads of the batsmen, and delivering some deceptively slow balls. Between them they managed to take 8 wickets for 20 runs. The opposition were falling like flies and only with the arrival of Dharmesh (former Maladroit) did they show any composure in front of the crease. Strange then by doing them a favour they started him at no. 10?

Finally they were all out for 42 runs, fittingly the final wicket taken by Paddy, and a much needed win for the Maladroits. Rain held off, finished at 4pm sharp, a quick pint in the pub and still able to watch the footie. As Bobby said “you can only play what’s put in front of you.” 171 run victory. Job well done.

MOM – Paddy Drought

FOD – Boozer

DOD – Dharmesh (everybody else won)

Centurion brings down the Maladroits

MCC v Allsorts

May 27^th  2012

Allsorts won  by 7 wickets

This is the first time the Maladroits had played the Allsorts and so there was no prior knowledge of what were up against- with that in mind Boozer encouraged to bat first by his team. What followed was a procession of early Maladroit wickets with Ryan, Dharmesh , Leesy and others all going relatively cheaply.  When JC came and went in the middle order MCC were left reeling at 98 for 5. However, Boozer with 47*, Ryder with 15 and Matty with a quickfire 20 odd brought the total up to 210 off the 35 overs- whilst well below par it gave us something to bowl at.

After a half time tea the Maladroit bowlers took to the field and some fantastic bowling from Matty had the Allsorts openers in real trouble. Despite looking out of sorts and too many 4 balls were offered to prevent us tieing down the batsmen. JC offering an over of multiple wides down both the off and the leg side summed up a patchy bowling performance.

Allthough MCC battled hard the opening batsmen (hailing from Uppingham- we hadn’t realized that school produced batsmen) sailed on to his 100 with some ferocious hitting.. Maladroits, despite a very committed effort in the field looked a little rusty and will look forward to taking on the Allsorts and seeking revenge in 2013.

200 runs and 10 wickets in 79.4 overs- ends in Thriller!

Oxted vs Maladroits

• Bobby Gorgeous Lees reports
• May 20th 2012
• Master Park, Oxted

The Maladroits were looking forward to getting their first completed game under their belts after being rained off the week before against their landlords at Sheen Park. The Maladroits were up against a young Oxted side in what proved to be an even contest, but unfortunately the Maladroits came up short after Oxted chased down the low total, albeit with 9 wickets down.  The Maladroits chose to bat first on what appeared to be a seam friendly surface, and this proved to be the case as the opening bowler sent Nails back to the hutch in the opening over without troubling the scorers.

Lees and Retter tried to repair the damage, but an excellent opening spell from the Oxted opening bowlers made this tricky.  Retter especially enjoyed more than his fair share of luck and scoring proved troublesome.  Lees was the next to go bowled in similar fashion to Nails by the tall opening bowler.  The Maladroits were rocking further in the same over as JC came and went for a duck.  The Maladroit innings did not look healthy at this stage with the visitors reduced to 34-3.  Matters got worse when the opening bowler picked up his fourth wicket in his next over as Retter departed for a hard earned 22.

The introduction of spin did nothing to arrest the Maladroit slide as both Martin and Drought also departed for low scores and at 49-6 the Maladroit innings was in danger of imploding. Lowis and Brewer began to rebuild the innings, with Glen in particular paying some lovely shots and finally the scoreboard began to tick over at something slightly healthier than a snail’s pace.   Together Glen and Boozer put on 41 for the 7^th wicket to give the score a semblance of respectability.  Boozer was out LBW for 12, but a solid 11 not out from Matty enabled Glen to push the score on until he was eventually caught for an impressive 34.  Both Gumbo and Brendan hung around at the end to give Matty support.

The Maladroits were all out for 105, a score that looked 20 runs light on that pitch.  With tea nothing to write home about, the Maladroits took the field for the Oxted innings hungry for some early success to make a game out of it.  Glen and JC shared the new ball, but it wasn’t until Matty replaced JC that the Maladroits started to make inroads in the Oxted batting line up.  Both bowled well with Matty especially bowling a testing spell that the nippers from Oxted struggled with.

Glen picked up two wickets with Matty claiming the Man of the match award with 4-17 off his allotted 8 overs.  Couple this with some calamitous running between the wickets from the youngsters meant that the game hung in the balance.  Excellent fielding from Brendan and Martin  in particular produced two run outs.  Boozer shuffled his bowlers with Retter looking impressive.  A further wicket was claimed by Lees towards the end, but Oxted snuck home by 1 wicket in an enjoyable game.  The Maladroits simply did not score enough runs batting first to win the game, but the team can take heart  from their excellent fielding performance which almost saw them sneak an improbable victory.

2012 SEASON

With a slightly reduced fixture list the MCC kicked off the season with a fixture against East Sheen which was rained off at half time. With MCC well placed it was a good warm up for the coming fixtures

Winning close to a winning season

Ansty vs Maladroits, 18th September, Ansty

The day dawned cloudy and with rain forecast there was scepticism in some corners as to whether the game would go ahead or not. So as we all made our way to the ground in our own sweet time, Boozer replaced the embarrassment of losing the toss, with begging that we be allowed to bat first on the wet, artificial track, because we only had 6 players. And so it was.

Nails and Adam opened up with a couple of early boundaries, before Adam was bowled by a cracking ball that angled in and straightened to take the top of off stump. That bought Matty to crease and he was swiftly off the mark.

With the opening bowlers off, the time to prosper came, as an overweight middle aged man who barely knew what the ball was, took up the attack. For his opening act, he produced a loopy, slow, straight ball that David Blunkett would have caressed through the covers. Hell, even his little dog would have got runs from it. Not wanting to commit too early, Matty stood his ground and played straight – over the top of it – leaving a gap of 18 inches for the ball to comfortably bounce under and hit his off peg. The umpires conferred, and both agreed that it was hilarious. For one, a little bit of wee came out.

That bought Coles, Matty’s late ringer and on Maladroits debut, to the crease. He was the exact opposite of his predecessor, and smashed a couple of boundaries straight away. When Nails departed for a tidy 31, Boozer joined Coles and built a partnership until Coles’ forced retirement when he reached 50. That bought Retter to the crease, fresh from a stag do in Liverpool the night before. They set about destroying the attack, with Ash’s massive 6 over long on one of the shots of the day. Not wanting to retire, he was out on 45 and Lowis joined his skipper, with the score around 200 and 9 overs remaining.

Sensing that there were still great things to come from Coles, and not wanting to deprive him the opportunity of a dream debut, Lowis protested the wide bowling tactics by walking down the pitch 3rd ball and being stumpted. Although TV replays later showed that he was given out by Boland, still reeling from his disgraceful display.

Brenner came in and smashed a quickfire 14 and when Boozer smashed what looked to be a certain 6, before being caught short of the rope at cow, Coles came back in to join Crispin. With only a few overs left, Coles had bullied his way 79* when the final over started. He then hit the first two balls down the ground for 6, and a debut hundred was on. Sadly, he could only manage a single off the next ball and when Crispin was out 7, he was left stranded on 92*. Maladroits 268 for 8 (we were still 2 short).

A bit of light drizzle and a cracking tea later, the Maladroits took the field to defend their 268 in 40 overs.

Lowis and Boland opened the bowling, with Boland having an off day all round and being hit for 3 fours in his first over. Then the mood in the field changed dramatically as the ball was played deep to Lowis on the square leg boundary. Racing around from fine leg and producing a brilliant pick up and throw, Boozer had the bails off and the danger man was on his way back to the pavilion. Lowis then took the next wicket with the score around 30 and the hosts on the back foot.

A small partnership started to form before some inspired captaincy from Boozer saw each and every one of the Maladroits take to the bowling crease. With the troops bowling and fielding well, and Crispin mixing wickets with beamers, the run rate fell and the visitors confidence grew. Sensing blood, the skipper decided it was his turn to roll the arm over, and handed the gloves to Boland. Feeling confident behind the sticks, Matty took his position as Coles stood at the other end. After a loosener, Coles was looking sharp and ready to strike.

What happened next was perhaps the best moment of the entire season.

From behind the stumps, Matty chirped “Let’s find the edge now, I’ll take the catch and be keeper of the season.” Coles ran in, produced the ball of the season and drew the edge from the impotent batsman. The clear snick was heard throughout the county, but amazingly, the ball didn’t deviate at all and went straight into Matty’s gloves. Then out again.

Crispin then chipped in with a wicket, and big Mike Brenner came on to destroy the mid-lower order and took 3 wickets. Boozer’s spinners kept the scoring down, only going for 4 off his 4 overs, but he was ready to go home so called Crispin and Lowis back into the attack to finish off the hosts.

Maladroits won by about 120 runs.


Honours board:

Batting
Coles – 92*
Retter – 45
Brewer – 37

Bowling
Brenner – 3 – 23 of 4
Lowis – 2 – 18 off 5
Crispin – 2 – 19 off 5.4

MoM - Rich Coles
Fielder – Crispin
DoD – Matt Boland
Quote of the Day – Matt Boland

Maladroits chase down their nomad rivals with 5 balls to spare

v Drovers CC

Sheen Park

Sunday 14th August 2011

Maladroits won by 3 wickets

James Horton reports

On a fair mid-August Sunday, Maladroits once again inflicted a crushing victory over the Drovers, casually knocking off the required 223 with 8 balls and two wickets to spare.

The result was only ever really in doubt when Boozer strode confidently back from the toss and announced that he'd lost and that we were fielding. But we swallowed our doubts and having fended off Boozer's offers of new kit, we took the field for some relaxed catching practice. The attack began fiercely from the Park End with Ryder rumbling in to pepper the opening pair with a series of unplayable balls and Dom delivering the more of the same from the Plough End. Drovers capitalised on the extras that these deliveries had gifted them, took advantage of some lapses in concentration behind the stumps and built a troubling opening stand. It was time for a rethink.

With Dom retired to a bench at deep backward square/deep extra cover and Ryder lounging in the slips, Matty and Charlie took up the reigns and restored order. Sweepers were deployed, traps set at cow and the wickets began to fall. The openers fell in quick succession and the middle order failed to make the most of a commanding position. We agreed afterwards that this may well have been caused by the deployment of some seriously vintage equipment: not for some time has Sheen Cricket Club been graced with a pre-Hick DF, a GN Elite and the suspicion of buckle-up pads. Yearnings for a Gooch-esque white helmet and a SS 333 sadly went unsatisfied but we all enjoyed the trip down memory lane.

Perhaps it was the hint of moisture in the pitch following overnight rain, perhaps the short leg side boundary or perhaps our inability to come up with new fish-related puns, but whatever it was, the Maladroits' spinners took some fairly serious tap in the overs around the drinks interval. The field dropped as a result (Dom moved benches), Drovers piled on the runs and a challenging chase began to look likely. But heads didn't drop and some good fielding ensured that the target remained manageable: Chad's cat-like reflexes bagged him a truly remarkable one-handed caught and bowled that he made look sickeningly easy, and James H held a ball skied so high that passing jumbos were diverted. Such was the confidence at the end of the innings that Brenner called upon to put the finishing touches to an otherwise solid performance.

Tea was stunning. Home-made sandwiches with a dizzying variety of fillings, combined with crisps, sausage rolls and other snacks to whet appetites for dangerously good rocky road and brownies. The opposition shook their heads in helpless admiration and were heard remarking that the Maladroits could always be relied upon to put on a good tea.

The innings got off to a shakey start with Matty bowled going ugly early and James H walking for nicking a off cutter; the pitch had evidently livened up during the tea interval. Cool heads but contrasting styles shored things up, with Brenner yielding his club like a rioter outside Curries and Ryder carelessly stroking ball after ball to the boundary. Chad went for an unlucky duck and was replaced by an irrepressible JC, who followed a strong bowling spell with a match-winning 69 not out. When Ryder finally fell for 57 (apparently because of a low sun, Dom walking in front of the sight-screen with his tea and the keeper breaking wind), Charlie picked up the baton and added a priceless 27.

By the thirtieth over, we were confident that victory was in our grasp, especially when Matty refused to be bullied into dismissing JC at a critical point. Umpire Brenner finished his phone calls in time to see the winning runs dispatched through extra cover and the day was ours.

The Drovers took it well and over a drink in the Plough it was agreed that overall, honours were about even.

Man of the Match - JC and Ryder for match-winning all around performances

Fielder of the Day - Chad and James H for two lucky catches

Dick of the Day - Dom, for sleeping on benches (and taking advantage of drunk pikeys).

Teas - A strong 75%, which goes only some way to represent the extremely positive all-round experience.

A king pair of Locks

• Sunday 7th August 2011
• Opposition.: Lock Senior Rural XI
• When, where and what: 2 pm at Arundel Cricket Club. 30: 30 match.
• Conditions: Really nice, overcast and sunny.
• Team: Ryder, Brewer, Retter, Lock (Junior), JC, Lees, Bowden, Lowis, Toovey, Moore, Bolland
• Ash reports.

This new fixture on the MCC sheet saw Lock Junior captain a strong MCC XI playing Lock Seniors Rural XI. With the MCC uncharacteristically loosing the toss and being put into bat. The pitch had one of the shortest boundaries seen yet this season at one end, and the main road between Chichester and Arundel (full of August summer holiday traffic) at the other – admittedly screened by some massive trees. So it promised to be an interesting innings, if we could score runs. JC turned up and before he knew what hit him he was kitted up and strolling out to open with Junior. Junior went for 1 and Lees came in and continued his solid form leaving the strip with a very respectable 40. JC retired on 50 after a solid innings. Retter came and somehow managed to hang around and scrape a nervy 19, dropped three times but the fourth was held. Bowden smashed 37 for his first outing of the year. Ryder came in and was not distracted by the harvest scenes and cows in the fields behind. True to form the rural destroyer went for it and managed to hit the largest 6 of the day - over the trees and miraculously it missed the cars and bounced back onto the pitch. Bizarre. And he carried his bat with 31. Bizarre. Other contributions were Boozer with 4, Matty with 10 and Glen with 14*. Their keeper didn’t have a great day, nearly 10% of our runs came from byes, and I was surprised and pleased to see only one batsman was bowled, the rest caught. 225 for 6.

Tea. Lock (Mother) dazzled the team with a masterclass in the art of a cricket tea. Our southern hemisphere boys hopefully learned a valuable lesson on this day in tea making, apart from the obvious that you need to actually bring the sandwiches. Sandwiches, superb and crucially enough for seconds and a plate for the changing rooms après match. Baking both savoury and sweet - perfect (we won’t mention the carrot cake packaging). I won’t go on except to give the customary score – a very healthy 90% and definitely in the running for the coveted ‘Tea of the year award’ at the annual MCC end of season feast.

I think there were some tactics at play with this tea though, an MCC XI with a food hangover took the field and barely moved, except for Dom and Brewer who skipped the carbs etc.. The first few overs were quiet and they got off to a slow start, losing 2 wickets at the hand of Ryder in his second over (ending up 35 for 2 off 6 overs). With Moore terrorising the batsmen with wides at the other end (23 for 1 off 3) it was not a strip to be batting on. Lowis was tight and straight (28 for 3 off 6 overs), Bolland his usual tricky length (14 for 0 off 2) and Nick ‘dusty the second’ Tooves shuffled superbly for 2 wickets from 5 overs for 39 runs.
The small pitch provided some comedy dives, floundering and misses as anyone that has watched a Maladroit in the field can imagine. Of note (unfortunately) was the author putting down two sitters – he would probably argue atoning for the three drops while at the crease, and Ryder managing to consistently stone drift to a seat on the boundary, much to the dismay of fellow fields who fancied the seat too. Boozer bucked the trend and pocketed three catches behind the stumps, and we managed to dismiss three batsmen for ducks. Lock, Lees and Retter contributed with the ball but neither could get a break through.
Roughly mid way through the innings we had them on the ropes at 75 for 5. All were bowling well and fielding …just about. But they had a couple of tricky characters who were pushing the run rate. What looked easy to start actually turned into a valiant chase by the oppo. And with 10 over to go they needed about 100, with a few tight overs this ballooned to 12 an over at one point. Not content with showing (Lock) Junior, Retter and Moore how to play golf on the Saturday (Lock) Senior finally came to the crease. But unfortunately for him he was not able to show us how to bat, and his son scored outscored him by 1. A plucky number 10 knocked up 25 and out, but this saw their two in form batsman return to the fray having retired earlier at 50. With a hand full of overs left and about 50 runs needed they set about savaging the MCC. Lock (Junior), Lees and Lowis did their bit with the ball, and JC was given the last over, 193 for 9 - 32 needed, with their two strike batsmen at the crease. Retter managed to make up for his drops and held onto the toughest of his catches of the day, and they were all out in the last over for 198. Top scores on their side were 60 and 54*. JC 5 for 1 off 1. A good days cricket and MCC win.

MOM: Mark Bowden

DOD: The two Locks, top organising but two Ducks!

Fielder of the day: Glen

Marlyn reels in the Oxted middle order

Match report to come

MCC come out top over 3 other teams in one day

• v Brasted CC
• Sunday 10th July
• Sheen Park
• Maladroits won by 6 wickets

A fairly comfortable victory in the end for the Maladroits after a workmanlike but effective performance in the field graced by a couple of moments of brilliance, backed up by a superb run chase littered with brilliant shot making

The Maladroits encountered three problems before the game that meant skipper Boozer was running round even more than usual; Firstly, the game was scheduled the day after JC’s epic wedding which meant a few of the team turned up either with sore heads or still drunk after over doing it the night before on the Rams Head Snuff– this reporter for one never wants to see Dom’s nipple again. Secondly, the Antipodean tea making crew (Glen, Matty & Tooves) managed to excel themselves by forgetting to bring the sandwiches they had so lovingly prepared the night before (did they ever make them? Topic to discuss).

Ever resilient, Boozer detailed people to pick up sandwiches from Sainsburys and the crisis was adverted. A third issue presented itself to the Maladroits even before they had taken the field, namely that our landlord’s had managed to double book the pitch. Faced with four teams all wanting a game, Boozer suggested a 20:20 tournament so that all teams played at least some cricket. This met with approval from the Maladroits as it meant less time in the field for the hungover players and a chance for the Antipodeans to hide their pony sandwiches amongst the other tea.

Muttering from some Geography teacher types from the other teams aside, a 15:15 game for both sets of teams was agreed. Maladroits took the field in the first game (cant remember who won the toss but doesn’t really matter as we always field first) and Glen opened up the bowling. A tidy first over produced a chance in the slips but alas, Lees moving like a disabled seal, flapped at the chance and it went down. Dom opened up from the other end and performed admirably considering he had contracted Gingervitis in one eye the previous evening from a girl he met in 151’s.

After 2 overs, the Geography teachers on the side lines decided it was best if they just left and found another pitch somewhere else. If ever there was a time to thank God for the English trait of not making a scene it was this as they trooped off in their sandles chuntering to each other about it “not being cricket” . The game reverted back to the original 35 overs a side and Glen and Dom continued to bowl tightly without forcing a break through. The opposition though were scoring at a moderate rate and the Maladroits had not let the game get away from them.

A change in the bowling introduced Tooves to the attack and Dusty’s doppleganger produced a testing 7 over straight spell. Tooves was unlucky not to claim a wicket for his endeavour. From the other end Paddy joined the attack and again kept it tidy, but didn’t threaten as much as he has previously in the Maladroit colours. The opposition meandered along to 72-0 but had used up 15 of their overs so had not run away with the game but the Maladroits needed wickets.

Cue Matty’s introduction to the game: smarting from losing both his keys the night before and the (unmade) sandwiches, Matty had something to prove. A disciplined spell produced all three of the first wickets to fall and put the Maladroits in the ascendancy. Two good catches from Paul and Tooves assisted him. The wickets started tumbling as the opposition innings stuttered – a great direct hit run out from Nails being the highlight of the fielding display. Paul and Ash both chipped in with wickets at the end as the Maladroits restricted the opposition to 147-6 of their allotted 35 overs.

At the interval the teams had a chance to sample the Antipodean tea. A home made Bacon & Egg pie scored highly but it was generally felt a busted job on account of the forgotten sandwiches. Ash and James opened the Maldroit innings, and after the mandatory straight clump for four, a hungover Ash was clean bowled. Nails announced himself to the attack by smacking a straight six to get off the mark. James and Nails then produced some cracking shots to eat into the opposition’s meagre target. James was particularly strong though the offside and the Maladroit score raced along, but James perished for a quick fire 43 and Paul soon followed for a solitary four. However, Nails was still at the other end playing his classy shots and a Maladroit victory was never in doubt.

Glen was stumped off the oppo best bowler for 18 and it was left for Paddy (12 not out) and Nails (56 not out) to coast home with plenty of time to spare. All in all, an effective performance from the Maladroits against an opposition who probably didn’t produced their best on the day.

Lowis 5 overs for 13
Moore 5 overs for 25
Paddy 4 overs for 16
Tooves 7 overs for 34
Bolland 7 overs, 3 for 19
Paul 4 overs, 1 for 11
Ash 3 overs, 1 for 13

Batting:
Retter bowled 5
James Horton- quick 43
Nails 56*
Paul bowled 4
Lowis stumped 18
Paddy, not out 12

MOTM: Nails (consummate performance at the crease)

FOTD: Nails (dead eye run out)

DOTD: Matty (sandwiches, or lack of)

Teas: 65% (massively, massively more than should have been awarded – helped by the causal players vote who haven’t experienced a proper tea without the sandwich debacle)

Schoolboys humbled in historic MCC victory

Match Report – Maladroits CC vs Charterhouse Maniacs
Saturday 7th May
MCC won by 5 wickets
Edmund Buzz reports....

Following golf and a pub lunch 11 men arrived at the field of dreams fully prepared to be thrashed by a bunch of schoolboys again, as is the usual custom. Two things were different this year. Firstly, it wasn’t raining. Secondly, Maladroits welcomed back their founder Charles Bathurst Norman following a two year absence. This gave everyone a spring in their step and, when asked to bowl by Boggers, we entered the field of play quietly confident that this could be the year.

It didn’t start well though. Maniacs got off to a flying start off the bowling of Moore and Drought and were fairly rocketing along, helped by a bone dry track and a lightening outfield. Moore soon struck though and what followd was one of the best over’s ever bowled by anyone (including Marshall, Lillee, Hadlee, McGrath, Flintoff, Newman). He was unlucky to only snare one victim but did pick up a second wicket later on.

Captain Brewer brought on his second change bowler Bolland who bowled tightly from the tree end. Toovey soon came on at the dip end and, in his own words, bowled poorly as he wasn’t sure which strip to aim at. Following a quick start the rest of the innings was spent trying to claw back the run rate and some good bowling from Retter, Bowes and Carrington did a pretty good job of restricting the home team to 230. They got way more than they should have done though – one of their batsman nicked it so loudly that we didn’t even bother to appeal but was not given out and eventually went on to make a century. Other highlights included a highly amusing dropped catch by Toovey who literally didn’t get a hand to it, the ball crashing into his chest and bouncing off. “Sorry chaps, I wasn’t concentrating”.

A poor tea in what used to be Mrs Cole’s Crack was disappointing but Maladroits were confident that we could chase down 231 to win. BN and Retter opened up and unfortunately Retter didn’t last long. In fact, not even long enough to even try out his new bat! BN played some nice shots before falling to his usual late cut, bringing Brewer to the crease. He and Lees put together a lovely partnership, with Lees looking classy and playing as well as he has ever done for the Maladroits. Brewer went for a well constructed 43 and Bowes came with the run rate required at about 7 an over. Some buffet bowling was dispatched and Lees continued on his way (despite looking knackered and being covered in sweat) past 50 and beyond. The loss of Bowes to a full toss brought in JC, the urban destroyer, and before too long the run rate had dropped considerably and Maladroits were closing in on an impressive victory. Lees was eventually out for a superb 87 and JC bashed 41 in no time to win the game with an over or so to spare.

M.O.M – Lees for 87
Fielder of Day – Bathurst Norman, a commanding and energetic display at short extra
D.O.D. – Toovey – dropped a sitter and kept everyone waiting for 40 minutes at Clapham Junction!!
Tea – 43%

No Dusty?

MCC come up just short in early season run chase

Ed Lock reporting...

Sunday 17th April 2011

GAME 1: 2011 Season

East Sheen 238 for 5 (35 overs), Maladroits 223 all out

The usual opening match against Sheen had a promising start with the sun in the sky, a newly refurbished pavilion and Boozer winning the toss with his trusty weighted coin.

Unsurprisingly, Boozer opted to field first at which point we were greeted by the best wicket that this Maladroit has seen in the last 5 years; flat and true for the batsmen yet full of bounce and turn. Unfortunately, Tricky as opening bowler, opted out of using the test grade track and instead chose to bowl either over the batsmen, straight to slip or behind him, immediately earning him both Quote and Dick of the Day.

At the other end, Glen was the yin to Tricky’s yang, bowling consistent line and length and keeping the batsmen pinned to the stumps. However, as the game progressed, even with Ash and Matty bowling well, wickets were hard to come by. And, once the oppo’s number 4 tonked 10 runs off his first two balls, Mala morale began to ebb. A few regular dismals could not contain East Sheen obtaining an honourable score of 238 for 5 off 35.

An unusually low cal lunch of coronation chicken, rice and flap jack raised the team’s spirits, except for the bearded kiwi contingent who yearned for a more diverse meat selection.

So, on a full stomach, Carrington and Lock marched into bat, admittedly rusty but confident due to the short boundary and fast outfield. Carrington quickly got into his stride tonking fours over the bowlers head and accelerating the run rate to the required 7 per over before being caught on 29. Lock fell shortly afterwards for 32 and allowed the already beading Lees to enter the fray and hit an aggressive 42. Bowes with his usual MCC grace strolled to 36 whilst the new mini Bowes looked on. By drinks, the Droits were on course, but Sheen’s soft middle order underbelly was about to be tested. Boozer looked comfortable at the crease, but unfortunately the wickets fell around him until our hopes were pinned on Scouse at no.10 with his new sledgehammer. Some creative running from Scouse worked temporarily before he was run out allowing Tricky to come in needing 15 off the final 5 balls. The anti climax was sealed with a golden duck, leaving the Droits scratching their heads for a game that should have been won.

Special thanks to Tricky for making an ordinary game thoroughly entertaining.

Match Summary

MOM	Glen – 2 for 32 off 7
Fielder of the Day	Nick (trusty debutante at long on)
DOD	Tricky – 12 ball over and smacking his ankle with a practice shot before going in and getting a golden
Quote	Tricky x 2 1. ‘I am not stone drifting, I just don’t know where I am’ 2. Tricky to Umpire: ‘How many balls do I have left?’ Umpire to Tricky: ‘4’ Tricky: ‘Aaaaaaah F*#K!!’
Teas	77%

Burnt clutches, butter fingers, wheelchairs and childrens boxes... what a tour- La Manga 2010

Maladroits tour to La Manga - September 2010

Edward Bowes reports...

Squad: Brewer*, Carrington, Retter, Ryder, Drought, Roundell, Lowis, Boland, Bowes, Toovey (& Lees)

Final position: Defeated in the semi finals

After a flight cancellation debacle on the day we were due to travel, it was with immense relief that 11 Maladroits made it to London Gatwick on time and in good heart, early on Friday morning. Good fortune was already on our side as it turned out that Boozer was right at the front of one of the longest check-in queues in world queuing history just in time for the other 10 members of the team to rock up and place their bag down.

A flight, some more queuing and a drive later we arrived at La Manga Club Resort fit and raring to go, and also quite hungry. No game that afternoon meant we had three lined up back-to-back on the Saturday - a daunting prospect but well within the fitness capabilities of the Maladroits team. It was lucky we had brought a large squad…

A beer and some food followed at one of the most expensive cafes in world café history (hope that dry chicken leg was well worth the £6 Tooves??) before a night out on the lash began. Some wimped out early, in the knowledge that 3 games in a day was a big ask, but some went long. Dressed up in garish jackets and ties (Simon) and surrounded by chavvy golf tourists, the Maladroits did themselves proud by absolutely nailing the Pulp classic ‘Common People’ whilst pointing at all the revelers in the bar…. superb choice of song by Leesy, probably the high point of his tour.

10am Saturday morning. First match vs. Buckhurst CC Maladroits to field first.

Simon ‘Round as in circle e double l’ opened up from the top end and immediately dug in a sharp bouncer that took the surprised batsmen on the glove and ballooned to the slip and gully region. Bowesy leapt forward like a salmon, doing incredibly well to even get to the ball on the full. Unfortunately he put it down but it was a really fantastic effort.After that the ‘droits bowled and fielded pretty well with memorable performances coming from Tooves, who bowled tidily for his 2 for 24, and Paddy who bowled well but also took a great catch. Maladroits had been set 112 to win from 20 overs – a target that was well within reach and looked even more achievable after JC and Ash got after the bowling in the powerplay overs. JC got 37 and set up an opening match victory, with Ash (24) and Glen also playing their part with the bat.

The second match was against Combined Colleges CC and Maladroits fielded first, preferring to chase down a target. The bowling and fielding was slightly less tidy but Simon again bowled well, and threateningly, as did Matty. A few catches started to go down, setting the trend for the day and living up to the Maladroits name. A target of 146 was always going to be tough but was certainly gettable. An early wicket brought Bowesy to the crease and he managed to make up for the first game by hitting a few sixes and getting the run-rate going again. He was soon to be joined by Ryder (rural destroyer), the soon-to-be Dad, and together they gelled like Haynes and Greenidge, or Langer and Hayden. Ryder batted like a dream, nudging and nurdling his way to about 30 before powering on like a hungry farmer (which is what he is) to take him past 50 and take the Maladroits to victory. Played two, won two. You can’t do better than that. 100% record. No mistakes. Clinical and efficient.

Then we played the third match (v Sahara CC). A match characterised by the most amount of drops ever seen in one innings in the history of world cricket. It was comical at times and spectators must have thought, having seen our previous two games, that we taking the p*ss in an attempt to push their total up and give us a real challenge. However, this was genuine eponymous ineptness. It would be remiss to list the ‘dropees’ here, mainly because it would basically be just a list of the whole team. In amongst the catching, or lack of it, there was some good bowling. However we bowled 15 wides, which, at 2 runs a wide, was simply not good enough and cost us dear. A target of 192 was a lot. Ash strode to the crease for his last sober innings of the tour and proceeded to play the sort of innings that the Mongoose bat was made for. He made 50 and only actually connected with the ball 9 times, hitting seven 6’s and two 4’s! Some of the shots he played have never been seen before in world cricket – a six over extra cover off the back foot. Bowes made a few at the other end and others chipped in, in a valiant attempt to keep up with the run rate. At one stage the oppo were getting a little quiet but it couldn’t be maintained and we were soon out of it but not before a comedy over from Lees. Fearful of a seeing off a maiden over, not a good thing in 20/20 cricket, an increasingly sweaty Lees looked to hit a 6 over long-on off the last ball. Unfortunately he only succeeded in turning it into a wicket maiden!!

A good effort to chase down a big score but a defeat nonetheless. However, we had made it to the semis on Sunday morning so all was not lost.

Saturday evening saw all the players and administrators gather in the resort’s Mexican restaurant for an unexpectedly decent buffet. The Maladroits also put up a good show in the raffle, buying a lot of tickets and taking home 50% of the prizes, including 6 bottles of wine and a child’s box. Another victory for us and La Manga CC, our opponents in the semis sensed that we meant business.

The usual tour high jinx then carried on late into the night, highlights being the drinking of jaeger bombs out of the aforementioned box, Glen wiping out and effectively ruling himself out of the crucial semi-final and Ash getting more drunk than any other human in the history of drinking.

10am Sunday morning. Semi-final vs La Manga CC. Top pitch.

Maladroits sent into the field again, La Manga to bat first. Simon ‘Round as in circle e double l’ opened up from the top end again and again looked sharp. He accounted for a quick opening wicket and this brought a familiar-looking Yorkshire lad to the crease. We had played against him before, for Sporting Alfas, and Boozer dropped him on 0 before he went on to get 80. We were hoping this wouldn’t happen again but, sure enough, a thin nick from Simon presented itself as a very tough diving chance to Boozer. Like Groundhog Day, he dropped it again! Some good bowling from the spin twins Bowes and Toovey as well as tidy stuff from Matty, Paddy and Ed Ryder meant that La Manga were being well restricted. That was until the number 5 batsman came in and smacked it to all parts, making 50 odd in 15 balls! There was a not a lot the Maladroits could do about it but it meant we had been set another total over 180.

Ash and Bowesy opened the batting, with the former prepared to take on the quick Spanish international opening bowlers with no lid, half a bat and still drunk. After his innings the evening before expectation was high. This was short lived however as his swung and missed the first three balls before being castled by the fourth! Top quality Maladroits cricket – awesome one minute, dreadful the next! JC soon departed, unluckily guiding a bouncer straight down third man’s throat before Ryder and Bowes put on a bit of partnership. We were always behind the run rate but at one point there was a glimmer of hope. Ryder was bowled, playing the sort of shot that his job title would suggest, and Bowes was caught in the deep and the Maladroit effort was close to being over. Not before another comedy batting effort from Lees, who set off up the other end after one of his trademark late cuts only to be sent back. Dropping his bat and then dipping for the line like Usain Bolt didn’t save him unfortunately and he was run out by some way! Some nice batting from Simon and Boozer showed La Manga that we weren’t going to be rolled over and they both had a nice gentle end of season knock.

A defeat in the semis. Some great cricket played against a pretty high standard of opposition. Maladroits can be proud that we played, and competed, at this level. Above all that, we played in the right spirit throughout and all had a jolly good time.

Huge thanks to JC for organising the tour and to Boozer and Ash for their administration work to make it all run smoothly.