Eight out of eight for Maladroits chasing down scores..

• v Mike Leas team
• Bank of England
• Sunday 25th July

It was a hot muggy day at a dry Bank of England ground. The track seemed flatter and with less movement than Stephen Hawking in a swimming pool. The Maladroits only had 9 players with Ed ‘Will he’ Ryder running late, but sadly the opposition had even less. This meant the decision on who would get first use of the batters paradise went down to who had the most late players and not the toss.

Mike Lea’s team opened with perhaps the least scary opening batsmen of the season. One was so old he had played alongside W.G Grace and the other had the body shape of W.G. Grace. The Maladroits sensed early wickets. Several maidens from Tricky early on and sharp bowling from Blinky kept the score reasonable. However, with the loss of the shine on the ball, and the batsmen’s aging joints warming up, runs started to flow over the lightening quick outfield. A few loose balls were dispatched with disdain by the largish batsmen and even his free-bus-passed partner joined in. It wasn’t long before the unlikely opening batsmen had brought up a 90 run opening partnership with very little risks and even less footwork.

This led to a change in the attack with Glen “The Liger” Lowis brought into the attack in combination with Matt “Rod Latham” Boland. Lowis found line and length immediately and bowled some rippers, finding the spot and nipping the top of off stump to remove the larger of the two batsmen. Boland soon removed the other batsmen, who happened to be playing in his 63^rd consecutive year of cricket. Ryder eventually decided to turn up and signaled the start of even more wickets falling.

Glen started ripping through the top order like a German machine gunner on d-day, cutting them down with perfect line and length. One wicket saw the bail fly nearly to the boundary on the full. Ryder chipped in with a wicket to remind the crowd he was worth waiting for. By this time Scouse had lost about 3 stone through running (for charity?) from fine leg to fine leg and Mike had invented a new fielding position at close-in gully/point. Pick of the day for fielding was a close call. JC was challenging himself in the field by walking after balls, waiting until they got close to the boundary and then sprinting and diving at the last minute; thus making himself look much flasher than necessary. Meanwhile, Tricky was commanding at the top of his voice for someone to back up a sharp throw at the stumps, only to nutmeg himself with the ball and concede 4 runs. Luckily Both redeemed themselves with catches, although Tricky put on a show to the crowd by not only catching a ball, but juggling it as well. Not satisfied with the performance he also pulled a long series of handkerchiefs from his sleeve, bent a spoon and sawed the umpire in half.

With Mike Lea’s team on the ropes, and with a falling run rate, Blinky was brought back on from a different end where he soon discovered the mythical Line And Length. The ball was whipped down at near world-record pace and wickets were smashed. He bowled with venom and guile and cleaned up the middle order. At the end of the 34 overs (1 short due to the scorers confusing the 3 bearded kiwi bowlers) Mike Lea’s team had set a total of 191. Glen finished with 3 for 24, Blinky 2-20ish and Boland and Ryder with 1 apiece. Total figures were hard to determine due to the scorers’ screwups.

A pleasant tea of sandwiches and scones was topped off by two (probably of legal age your honor) young ladies doing their best to flit around in tiny skirts distracting most of the Maladroits. Rod Latham was heard to announce that he had cream on his scone.

With an imposing total ahead of them, the Maladroits were confident as the pitch was flat and outfield fast. Promised no match fees if he got a 50, Tricky opened up and bludgeoned the attack like a Canadian Seal Clubber. Playing all the shots in the book (not a cricket book) he dispatched the ball to all parts of the field. JC was his usual self at the other end, latching onto anything loose and punishing it like a hire car. Tricky eventually fell for 30 off about 3 balls to bring Lowis in. Lowis partnered with JC and continued to keep the run rate racing along. JC brought up yet another classy 50 which signaled his time to get himself out (some say just to give someone else a turn). Captain McBain came in fresh from jetting around Europe’s cheapest destinations and he picked up where JC left off. Hitting a few huge shots to the boundary he was looking good until missing a straight one and getting cleaned up. (Surely Boozer was tempted to inflate his match fees with ‘taxes’ and ‘surcharges’ just to get one back for the British holidaymaker.) Glen’s hitting eventually stopped when he was also cleaned up by a straight one, so a new fresh pair of Boozer and Mike were at the crease. Mike creamed one for six before departing almost straight away.

With still a few runs to get another Maladroit collapse was on the cards. However, Boozer played his anchor role with the text book in his back pocket, while Beale entered and opened the shoulders and smashed. One six nearly went back past mid on and straight over the tree on the full. The highlight of the innings was the shot that smashed into the bowler, felling him. Not content with nearly killing the bowler, Beale ran down the pitch and hurdled the him, almost literally rubbing dirt into the wound. Boozer and Beale (playing the innings of the season) continued to entertain the supporters until no runs were left to chase. The Maladroits cruised to victory with 6 overs to spare, wondering what total they could’ve set if they had only been able to bat first.

MOM Chris Beale for a great second spell and 29 not out.

DOD Tricky for ‘back up’ comments

Fielder of the Day: Scouse for running all over the field.

Honorable mention: Captain Baino for bringing down two cute girls

Matty’s maiden ton seals big win in Bradfield

• v Bradfield
• Saturday 24^th July
• Bradfield College
• MCC won by 7 wickets

Glen Lowis reports

News came through earlier this month, with the promise of the best pitches and a hog roast that could break all Maladroit records for match teas. As we drove along the M4, knowing we’d only have 10 to take the field, it was fair to say that we were all focussed on the hog roast, not the cricket.

Arriving at Bradfield College, it was immediately evident that this school was both older and bigger than my native New Zealand, and rather awe-inspiring. The wireless, electronic scoreboard was an early nominee for MOM honours. This was a setting that some of the Maladroits were more used to than others, and the pressure was on for a first-class performance.

Although we couldn’t smell the hog roast, we took to the field with the determination to earn the best tea of the season. It was a two pronged Kiwi pace attack to open the bowling. Pace and venom from Blinky ‘The Fist’ Beale (0–20) at one end, swing and guile from Lowis (1-10) at the other, and loads of energy from all in the field set the scene early on. With the Bradfield openers trying just to survive and not overworking the scorers, the first wicket fell courtesy of a Lowis swinger that curved around the lefthanders bat and knocked over middle stump.

Beale was given a few tips from Boland and found renewed vigour to send down a couple more tight overs, and when the bowling change came after 10 overs, Bradfield had struggled to 1 for 30. Paddy (2-5) and Ash (1-10) took to the bowling crease and the run rate dipped even further, and once they’d picked up three between them, Bradfield were in trouble. More inspired bowling saw the hosts limp to the drinks break at 5 for 60-odd.

Back from the drinks break, and it was more of the same in the when the sixth wicket fell to Rick (1-15) with the score on 83. With the match turning somewhat farcical, Boozer brought on the big guns of Mark Bowden (0-23) and the newly reformed spin-bowler Matty Boland. Bowling a mix of leggies and big full toss pies, Matty’s first (10 ball) over went for about 15 but strangely wasn’t in the scorebook.

The Maladroits proceeded to provide the Bradfield 7 and 8 plenty of scoring opportunities to ensure that we’d still have a game on our hands. Blinky came back on as a ‘spinner’ and JC took up the ‘attack’ from the school end. Offering up a loopy full toss first ball, JC was smashed, through the gaping hands of Lowis at mid-off and to the boundary. When questioned later, Lowis said that “the bowling didn’t deserve a wicket” and was proven right as it only got worse. After putting on 103 for the 7^th wicket, the two batsmen were denied their 50’s in the final over, finishing on 48 and 49 respectively and lifting Bradfield’s total to 6 for 186.

Out came the tea, as Bradfield put on a fantastic spread of ham, sausages, salmon, salads, strawberries and cream – and finished it off with some fine locally brewed ale. It was a tea of the highest order, but without having seen a pig on a spit, there was a little bit of disappointment.

As light drizzle swept over the ground, Matty and Mark walked out to the middle, keen to make a positive start. The bowling was solid enough, but on a good track and with 40 overs to chase down an average score, the Maladroits were optimistic from the start. With positive intent they kept out the good balls and hit anything that was short. The outfield was still relatively slow, but with their weight behind the ball, the boundaries didn’t take too long to start flowing.

Mark was out cheaply (10) before Baino joined Matty at the crease and upped the tempo. Baino quickly collected a couple of boundaries as both batsmen were level on 11. Matty had had enough and started to let loose as he sensed that this would be his day. At drinks, the Maladroits were slightly behind the required run rate, but well ahead of where the hosts had been at the same stage in their innings. Matty passed 50, for the second time this season, with a boundary, while Baino continued to build his innings.

Having brought up a chanceless 50, Matty unleashed a flurry of boundaries and was well into the 60’s. Baino, keen to make 50 on his ‘droits debut, was cut short on 38 bringing Paddy to the crease in the 25th over, with the score 2 for 142 and a win looking inevitable. The question was, could Matty push on and bring up his first ever hundred.

Into the 80’s, Matty was like a man possessed - possessed by a demon who wanted nothing more than to get him out - as he was dropped/missed three balls in a row. He ticked through over into the nineties and, when on 95, was all but out.

Rapped on the back pad in front of leg stump, his heart sank as the bowler appealed wildly, supported by his field. His fate in the hands of Lowis, he couldn’t bear to look and by the time he raised his head he saw the umpire’s index finger signalling the ball would have missed leg (and maybe a little bit uppish too). He hadn’t heard the NOT OUT decision and on thinking he had been fired, started to trudge off. Lowis yelled to a distraught Boland, telling him to come back while the fielders all began to celebrate seeing him walk on a dubious LBW shout. Lowis was left with no option but to call over, run back to square leg and hide out.

Play settled down a bit, until on 96, Boland lobbed a sitter out to square leg – only to be dropped again. His innings rapidly deteriorating, Matty squared up and pulled one to the boundary, raised his bat in triumph and retired before his average could be ruined.

That brought Rick (7*) to the crease, and by the time Paddy (12) fell the damage was done and it was up to JC (11*) to knock off the last few runs for a Maladroit victory with 5 overs to spare.

• MOM: Matty Boland (101*)
• Fielder of the Day: JC
• Debut: Baino, Paddy, Rick
• DOD: Glen (for ‘firing’ Matty on 95 and having to call him back)

MCC scrape home in last wicket thriller

• Bedford Row X1 vs MCC at Hampstead Heath
• 4/7/2010
• Ash reporting.

After an underground adventure and quick walk from Golders Green tube we gathered on Hampstead Heath (extension - who knew there was one) on what promised to be a fabulous English summers day. The scenery looked promising up here in the North, there were no planes and no oppo. Roll forward 30 minutes and Boozer typically lost the toss and Droits were into the field with the biggest dog pile you have ever seen on a cricket pitch, and to sweat it out on an un-kept wicket with a very wide crease.

Tricky opened things up with flair and unfaltering stamina. His first two overs were the best so far this season for me. As usual the batsmen were kept alert and the constant peppering unnerved a few. He actually hit one poor sole with a wayward beamer this time and ended 7 overs with 2 for 32. JC backed him up bowling well down the hill and finished 1 for 35 off 6. Matty chipped in with his usual line and length picking up 2 for 25 off 7 overs. Locky (none for 4 off 2) and Retter (1 for 30 off 6, 1 maiden) contributed a couple of good overs, as did Edd Watts with 2 for 27 off 7 with 1 maiden - a cracking contribution. Adam Goodyer was like a cheetah in the field, pouncing on anything that came anywhere near him. No drops, apart from Boozer on the last ball of the innings, only to take the wicket for himself with a run out. Top score from Bedford was 27, a testament to the fielding side. At one point we thought we were romping in, but their steely determination, small boundary with good slope down one side and relentless no balling of anything above their thighs, Bedford set 177 to win.


Having sacrificed his figures for the last over, Retter was given the number 1 slot, so sacrificed his tea. Up rocks the quickest bowler of the season, running in from the boundary, stopping 1/2 way in for a breather then delivering a pacy rocket. Not what you want on said furry wicket without a lid, you just feel it was going to get in your eyes, on your chest and everything. The first few runs were extras, and it took the openers three overs to get off the mark, when Locky unleashed smashing his first six. The openers both did a good job, said quicky was dispatched back over his head for a one bounce four (4 fours off the over from Retter), which quickly saw the first bowling change after 8 overs. As we have all see before Locky and Retter both fell un-necessarily with the first changes. Mark and JC arrived at the crease, a few swishes and some lovely stokes only to see bails fly too early. Then our first bit of Karma for the day, Ed Watts stepped up and was caught behind, luckily the ball was a shoulder high beamer so after some crying from the field and some authoritive umpiring from Trigger Tricky and Locky we managed to squeeze Ed Watts back to the crease. He duly foudn the boundary a few times with some lovely shots, then fell. Cheetah Goodyer came and went. Boozer and Matty arrived. Stroke play ensued after some pretty good bowling to be fair. Boozer was triggered (it was out) and Matty was caught pulling a head high bouncer, second bit of Karma - we were able to reverse as a no-ball much to their chagrin. Leesy came in, played some solid looking shots for one with a shoulder injury (be careful on the stairs next time old man) and got off to what looked like it would be a great innings, smashed a boundary or two, but unfortunately made way for Tricky. We were collapsing and it was all down to Tricky and Matty, not forgetting a visibly nervous Cheetah as 11th man. What an innings would follow. With protection of his average at the forefront of his mind Tricky set about the bowling like a chav in Lillywhites. Boundaries were hit, the score ticked on. Matty was holding up his end and without exact figures we were getting very close with plenty of overs left. We had one wicket to spare, the Cheetah was allowed to bat again after his quick warm up outing at number 4. It became nail biting stuff. Third bit of Karma for the day, Tricky was hit with the second beamer of the over. As umpire at the time I was highly amused with the comments coming from the batsman - along the lines of ‘I have never seen anything like this in all my days’. Weather it was deliberate or not we all enjoyed it.

The bowlers got Tricky, and up stepped Adam. The relief when he got off the mark was evident, a loud whoop as he grounded his bat at the non strikers end, and Matty was able to hit the winning runs. Well that was how I remember it at least. We made a meal of it and it ended up getting very close, and as our skipper has mentioned a fine MCC win, a contender for game of the season.

Highlight of the day and fourth bit of Karma, the lady walking her dog, that when asked to leave the pitch and walk round the flags (for the saftey of her and her mutt), turned her back moodily, and stepped in said huge pile of shit. Could have been a Mastercard advert.

MOM: Matty- match winning 50* . Tricky a close second.
FOD: Adam Goodyer

Tea: thank you Bedford CC. More Haribo next time, Evian a nice touch.

Full Tossers Whitewashed for 2010

v Full Tossers

Wandsworth Park

Sunday 20th June

Won by 3 wickers

With 24 hours to go before the match, we still had no pitch lined up- drastic phone calls to most of Wandsworth Council a pitch was finally found alongside the Thames in Putney.. On winning the toss we inserted the Full Tossers into bat and Moore and Newman got to work, both producing some great bowling.. Both took early wickets and the wickets continued to tumble as Tooves (MOM with 3 wickets), Fran, Bobby Nelson and the new boy Sam Armour all gave the batsmen problems.. Our fielding was the usual concoction of good, bad and comical but we managed to knock over a weakened FT line up for 124.

Ash Retter got the innings off to a lightning start and in partnership with new boy Rick added forty for the first wicket. After one heave too many Ash was bowled- Mikey Brenner came to the crease and after a nice 4 was poleaxed by a spitting length delivery that put him out of action amongst the "married female contingent" of his work colleagues for a few weeks- he was bowled next ball trying to knock the bowler into a different post code.. Although we did see the ubiquitous Maladroits batting collapse as our middle order tumbled the MCC scraped home to another good win with 3 wickets in hand.

MOM: Tooves

Fielder: Fran

DOD: Tricky